Hegira

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

I don't say it often enough, I know. I lose sight of it sometimes; getting caught up in my own fears and troubles is all too easy. But that doesn't make it less true: I am blessed. That's not a word I use often, and it's always in this context for me. The people who share my life, in whatever degree of closeness, bestow on me their time, their attention, and, sometimes, their love. In this, and in them, I am blessed.

I am not an easy person to love. I have a great many sharp edges, I'm demanding and rigid and sometimes childish. Those who manage to put up with all of that, however, still have to contend with mood swings and insecurities, self-doubt and self-centeredness. All of that, and still there are people who stand by me, who never have deserted me, who never have been too busy or hurting too badly themselves to be there when I needed them.

Some of those, poor darlings, make it to the ultimate in inconsistency: they wind up being loved by me. That particular experience, I'm sure, has to be a roller-coaster ride equal to none. I am warm and happy one moment, on the verge of tears the next; my disposition is sunny long enough to let them relax, and then the thunderclouds roll in without warning. Worse, I lie. I'm fine, I say when I'm bleeding. It's my problem, I declare with a shrug. What I mean is it hurts and I don't know where to begin to tell you, but that is not what I say. I'm all right. It's not important. There's nothing anyone can do. Shorthand for I'm dealing with something that scares me and I don't trust it out of my head.

Today's been one of those roller-coaster days. I've told so many lies that they're all I can taste. And anyone who made it through today with me is entitled to a medal.

I will try again tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow, I will get it right.

Sometimes I'm more blind than I have any right to be.

I just went through approximately a week of being nothing like my better or usual self. The depression, unfortunately, is all too frequent with me. Anger at everything and nothing isn't. Being filled with loathing at the very thought of couples-anything definitely isn't. I wandered around wanting contact and freezing out anyone who tried to get closer to me than a comment in this journal. Move on, move past, don't slow down, don't stop. And I couldn't figure out why, which didn't make me any happier. A dream is not a reason to crash. Besides, it started before that.

Logan's birthday was the twelfth.
Ari's is the twenty-third.

Part of it? Hell yeah. But it didn't explain all of it, not by a long shot.

And then I got reminded of another "anniversary." And suddenly I'm very very happy that I haven't been worse than I've been. And more determined than ever that this roller-coaster is going to stop soon.

• I have the job. Ninety days to health insurance.
  
• I'll need my license.
  
• I'll need a car.
  
• I need a place of my own, preferably near work. It's impossible to save here.
  
• I'll need at least the basic furniture and appliances, preferably used, definitely sturdy. Logan is rough on furniture. *wrysmile.*
  
• I need a new wardrobe. I wish I could get around that, but I can't, not and still be presentable at work. At least two more skirts, two pair of slacks, and a few blouses. I can forgo another jacket, since the one I have is a perfectly nice black one.
  

I think I can manage most of this by the end of the year. Even if the place of my own is just a room or something for a few months -- it's not like I'm intending to settle forever in North Carolina.

For less obvious but just as important reasons that I haven't really talked about here... I have to do this on my own. I know what I want, and more than that, I know how I want it to happen. I will not lean. I will not be rescued. I am not running to anyone. There are dreams riding on this that I couldn't begin to explain. I've gotten what I needed, almost always. Even when I didn't know it until afterwards, even when it hurt to take the medicine. Just enough happiness to make me want more, I said, and that was true. A day here, an evening there, of more real joy than most people know exists, let alone dream of having. Enough to keep me going. Preparation for this -- and this is what's going to count.