(no subject)

[kuangning]

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

I don't say it often enough, I know. I lose sight of it sometimes; getting caught up in my own fears and troubles is all too easy. But that doesn't make it less true: I am blessed. That's not a word I use often, and it's always in this context for me. The people who share my life, in whatever degree of closeness, bestow on me their time, their attention, and, sometimes, their love. In this, and in them, I am blessed.

I am not an easy person to love. I have a great many sharp edges, I'm demanding and rigid and sometimes childish. Those who manage to put up with all of that, however, still have to contend with mood swings and insecurities, self-doubt and self-centeredness. All of that, and still there are people who stand by me, who never have deserted me, who never have been too busy or hurting too badly themselves to be there when I needed them.

Some of those, poor darlings, make it to the ultimate in inconsistency: they wind up being loved by me. That particular experience, I'm sure, has to be a roller-coaster ride equal to none. I am warm and happy one moment, on the verge of tears the next; my disposition is sunny long enough to let them relax, and then the thunderclouds roll in without warning. Worse, I lie. I'm fine, I say when I'm bleeding. It's my problem, I declare with a shrug. What I mean is it hurts and I don't know where to begin to tell you, but that is not what I say. I'm all right. It's not important. There's nothing anyone can do. Shorthand for I'm dealing with something that scares me and I don't trust it out of my head.

Today's been one of those roller-coaster days. I've told so many lies that they're all I can taste. And anyone who made it through today with me is entitled to a medal.

I will try again tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow, I will get it right.

Comments

[thebahboo.livejournal.com]

Easy to love? That would not be the defination of me, either.

In order to love me, you have to understand that I don't trust a single other living thing. Except for Artemis and she is probably dying. So, I shouldn't have trusted her either.

I know that everyone is going to let me down sometime. When they do, I never forget. I forgive, oh that is easy. But I will always remember and know that person is more likely than others to step on me.

And of course, loving me, eventually, means having to see into the hell that created me. And trying to love the others who share this body with until they try to suck you dry.

I am never quite certain why the people who bother to love me do, but right now some of the ones I trusted most are living up to my expectations of them. So, there it is.

I am so tired of bleeding.

[kuangning]

*hugs you tightly.* I know that state only too well. But I know, too, that there's life beyond it, and that if you are strong enough to believe that that state is not the truth and the end of all things, you will find that what you believe is true. Hang in there; whatever else you may be, you are loved. All of you.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

At least you can always talk to us, whether you wish to hear us reply or no. Remember, we are watching and waiting, ready to read all the hurts, and pray for you. We are here.

And I am here.

God bestow blessings upon you without number. May this day and all others be bright.

[kuangning]

*smiles.* Someday, I will have to figure out just how someone of your years became one of my most trusted and loyal advisors. Until then, I will count my blessings -- and you are most certainly one of them. Thank you.

[powerpynt.livejournal.com]

You are all too human dear, and most of us recognize that. I only speak for myself in saying that as much as I stumble to find the "right" words, as much as I might seem arrogant or ignorant at times, it is in the process of caring about you that I offer what little comfort I have.
I am nothing if not loyal and whether we agree or disagree on individual issues, I will always be here to listen, to admire, to learn and to understand as best I can. It's but a pittance I'm afraid, but it's your pittance.

You'll get it right, and I'll be here to see it. I have faith...even when you have none

[kuangning]

It's but a pittance I'm afraid, but it's your pittance.

It's much more than that. I've always believed that friendship and time were among the most precious gifts anyone could give to another, and you've offered those in abundance. Even if I don't truly understand why you do, I hope you know that I am thankful that you do.

[fearghaill.livejournal.com]

I haven't been around nearly as much as I'd like lately, and have likely missed a great deal, but I can say that since our friendship really began, I have had little difficulty loving you. It is a part of my nature that everyone I care about is viewed through rose coloured glasses, so to speak. I actively look for the good, of which you have no lack, and accept any "sharp edges" as part of the cost of being human. I know I'm far from perfect, and don't expect my friends to be.

I'm not trying to dispute your assesment of yourself - while you may be too hard on yourself sometimes, you're one of the most self-honest people I know. Just be sure you don't overestimate the importance of those percieved faults in the eyes of the people that care about you. Love is largely about celebrating strengths and accepting/ignoring weaknesses. I love you for who you are. I think if you were perfect I'd feel (even more) inadequate than I already do.

... and thats pretty well used up my seriousness quota for the month. we now return you to your regularly scheduled Dougie The Terrible. Silly Cairbear had better not be getting too down on herself in my near-absence, mmkay?

love you lots

[kuangning]

Dougie, I love you dearly. There is nothing more I can say than that.