kuangning: (Default)
For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

I don't say it often enough, I know. I lose sight of it sometimes; getting caught up in my own fears and troubles is all too easy. But that doesn't make it less true: I am blessed. That's not a word I use often, and it's always in this context for me. The people who share my life, in whatever degree of closeness, bestow on me their time, their attention, and, sometimes, their love. In this, and in them, I am blessed.

I am not an easy person to love. I have a great many sharp edges, I'm demanding and rigid and sometimes childish. Those who manage to put up with all of that, however, still have to contend with mood swings and insecurities, self-doubt and self-centeredness. All of that, and still there are people who stand by me, who never have deserted me, who never have been too busy or hurting too badly themselves to be there when I needed them.

Some of those, poor darlings, make it to the ultimate in inconsistency: they wind up being loved by me. That particular experience, I'm sure, has to be a roller-coaster ride equal to none. I am warm and happy one moment, on the verge of tears the next; my disposition is sunny long enough to let them relax, and then the thunderclouds roll in without warning. Worse, I lie. I'm fine, I say when I'm bleeding. It's my problem, I declare with a shrug. What I mean is it hurts and I don't know where to begin to tell you, but that is not what I say. I'm all right. It's not important. There's nothing anyone can do. Shorthand for I'm dealing with something that scares me and I don't trust it out of my head.

Today's been one of those roller-coaster days. I've told so many lies that they're all I can taste. And anyone who made it through today with me is entitled to a medal.

I will try again tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow, I will get it right.
kuangning: (quiet)

... who are we to judge people and say which is good or bad or who is right or wrong?
it's not our place, because we are all as confused as everyone else.

No, it's not our place to say who is good or bad. It is our place, our right and our responsibility, to remove ourselves from the influence of people who display a pattern of behaviour that hurts us, or from people who show, by words or by action, that they do not have our best interest at heart. Good person? Certainly. Good behaviour? Rethink that. I am a little tired of people who use "don't judge me!" as an excuse to remain blind to the consequences of their actions, or to somehow keep close those whose affections they have lost through carelessness, lack of courtesy, or malicious behaviour, with or without the intent to be pointedly and personally hurtful.

Angry? I'm not. There's no hate or ill-will in my heart right now. I wish you happy, I wish you well and fulfilled, and I believe you will find what you're searching for so desperately, one of these days. I believe that you will come to wholeness, and to understanding -- and I hope you know that I will be thrilled for you, when you do.

Until you do, however... well, one of the steps along the way, my darling, is empathy. And compassion, both for yourself and for those around you who are affected by you. Until you come to that step, and show that you're willing to take it, then it's better for some of us to withdraw a little, if only to protect from you the lingering affection and caring for you that you haven't yet managed to strip from us and replace with hurt and bitterness.

Take care, hon. This door isn't locked and barred, but it really is for the best that it be closed right now.
kuangning: (memory)
A song I do love... more now than ever because it's become a theme song in my mind for my never-boring relationship with someone who's going to be a part of me until they dspose of my corpse. And yes, I am on a music kick and even a bit of an oldies kick today... some of the songs I'm listening to, my sibs aren't even expected to know because they were so much before their (our) time. But that's what happens when you grow up with a mother who had the best singing voice I'd ever heard before she took up smoking a pack-and-a-half a day. This isn't one of the old ones, but it's amazing anyway.

Lyrics here. )
I have to.

Beth says: ...to believe is to manifest, and in spite of all we must grieve, there is incredible hope and beauty in life.

Life gives us magic
And life brings us tragedy
Everyone suffers some loss
Still we have faith in it
Childlike hope
There's a reason that outweighs the cost

And gravity throws all these rules in our way
And sometimes the spirit refuses to play

Only the ones who believe
Ever see what they dream
Ever dream what comes true

-- The Color of Roses.

September 2015

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