(no subject)

[kuangning]

Too much to say. Not enough words in the world. Funny how all it takes is a dream, to crush the eggshell edges of bravado and spill all that carefully-contained emotion. A single dream, a matter of minutes, and every stifled want and unvoiced wish suddenly seems too large to ever fit back into the little corner I set aside for it.

I'm angry. I'm angry because it seems so unfair right now. Because I have been patient and I have been brave and I have tried to understand. Because I have dampened the frightening things, and tempered the raw, ungentle things, and pursued the lovely things, waiting for words, waiting for thoughts, waiting. Painting careful pictures, laying out the things that matter most in hopes that someone else can see them too. And they have been seen, and they have been -- what? Validated, I suppose. Become more real because I know now that I'm not the only one who feels them. I'm angry at myself for getting back to this point. Angrier because there's no reason for it. No real reason, anyway. What's a dream?

I'm aching -- because for all of that, when I did so well, when I poured out so much that I wanted to hold onto, what's left is this. Why is it always this?

I'm waiting for it to pass, to blow over. Hating myself for being so weak. And I'm so damned tired of waiting. Tired of myself, is what I mean right now, I know. Tired of moodswings and crashes and bouts of the blues that run into each other, with only enough happiness to make me crave what I can't hold onto.

Comments

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

A dream is, wherever it comes from, a little help in awareness, in preparing to deal with problems we face. If a dream made you unhappy, it means there's something on that subject that is troubling you anyway. And now you're aware of it, awake to it, so you can deal with it, perhaps.

...yes, you are validated, but not just by your readers here. Your feelings are always valid because YOU feel them, and you understand what they mean far more than I or your other readers might. But I think every one of the people who reads your work has some fellow feeling and understanding of it, because a great deal of it is the human experience. You're never alone as long as your friends are near, either....and we are always near, at least in the heart.

[kuangning]

*hugs.* Thank you. Yes, there is something on the subject that's troubling me, it's been there for a very long time. But I'm usually better at dealing with it. Tired and cranky, I was. And sometimes, I really just need to pound my fists and ask why. It comes just before curling up in bed and telling myself I can cry until sunrise if I want to... and then sticking to the time limit. I am better this morning.

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

mmmmm I love the way you write.

Have you read any of Pema Chodron's books? "Start where you are" or "When things fall apart"? I highly recommend ANYTHING from her.

Can I ask how you got your name 'Aiobheil'?

[kuangning]

No, I haven't read anything by her, but I will look. Thank you. And "aiobheil" was a character name I picked for VGA Planets, a turn-based play-by-email strategy game. I started using it on IRC, and I found that I liked it, so I kept it, and it simply transferred over.

Re:

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

When I see it my mind thinks 'Anabelle'. I think that's because it doesn't quite know how to say it. But there! I see your name now by that lovely picture. Cairsten. Nice. I like that name.

Yes, Pema is amazing and she'll have you sitting calmly through all of your storms in no time.. xx

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

The name is pronounced Ee-vahl, and is the irish version of the Banshee

Re:

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

Ohh! The Banshee! You know I've always thought a 'banshee' was a wild screaming woman warrior or something like that. I am surprised to see in my dictionary here, "...a female spirit in Gaelic folklore whose appearance or wailing warns a family that one of them will soon die." I had no idea... thanks!

[kuangning]

That's one version. She's also the fairy queen, and the protector of one of the clans. Donald, iirc. Personally, I prefer the former. ;) It's also pronounced "ah-oh-vel" -- I don't think I'd answer to something that much closer to "evil." *grin.*

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

You are one of the stronger folks I know. Being under constant stress would be hard for anyone. You can't keep it bottled, however, because no one is strong enough for that. *hugs* Prayers and good thoughts on the way.

[kuangning]

*hugs.* I am still a little awkward with you, how silly is that? But that doesn't excuse not saying thank you. I hope you know that your support does matter to me.

Re:

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

If I in any way make you uncomfortable, please let me know.

Re:

[kuangning]

Thank you. I would tell you, if it were something you were doing that was making me uncomfortable, I'm rather outspoken about that. But in this case it's more that we're relatively new to each other. :) That's something that will change with time.

Re:

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Thank you. One of the wonderful things about the internet is the opportunity to meet so many interesting and wonderful people. People I'd never have met otherwise. I've moved many, many times growing up and in my career and I'm so tired of leaving friends behind. The internet means I don't have to leave my friends behind anymore when I move from place to place. However, the experiences I've had with leaving friends behind and with the differences between in-person and tele-person interaction add up to a pretty peculiar outlook and somewhat unusual social graces. I hope you don't find these offensive.

Re:

[kuangning]

Not at all. :)

[powerpynt.livejournal.com]

I only wish I had some wisdom to pass on love, but I don't really...all I have is this shoulder and maybe a pillow is more comfortable. Sadness is not weakness, it's just another part of being alive. When you eliminate it altogether you'll find that there is little left to explore, nothing left to ponder. You'll have all the answers already. And what fun would that be?

I try to tell myself not to take life so seriously but I notice that I'm at least partially deaf. I can't hear me very well, maybe you can:)

Spill onto me if you like Cairsten, I have soft fuzzy towels.

Ron