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Feb. 11th, 2003 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningFor one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke
I don't say it often enough, I know. I lose sight of it sometimes; getting caught up in my own fears and troubles is all too easy. But that doesn't make it less true: I am blessed. That's not a word I use often, and it's always in this context for me. The people who share my life, in whatever degree of closeness, bestow on me their time, their attention, and, sometimes, their love. In this, and in them, I am blessed.
I am not an easy person to love. I have a great many sharp edges, I'm demanding and rigid and sometimes childish. Those who manage to put up with all of that, however, still have to contend with mood swings and insecurities, self-doubt and self-centeredness. All of that, and still there are people who stand by me, who never have deserted me, who never have been too busy or hurting too badly themselves to be there when I needed them.
Some of those, poor darlings, make it to the ultimate in inconsistency: they wind up being loved by me. That particular experience, I'm sure, has to be a roller-coaster ride equal to none. I am warm and happy one moment, on the verge of tears the next; my disposition is sunny long enough to let them relax, and then the thunderclouds roll in without warning. Worse, I lie. I'm fine, I say when I'm bleeding. It's my problem, I declare with a shrug. What I mean is it hurts and I don't know where to begin to tell you, but that is not what I say. I'm all right. It's not important. There's nothing anyone can do. Shorthand for I'm dealing with something that scares me and I don't trust it out of my head.
Today's been one of those roller-coaster days. I've told so many lies that they're all I can taste. And anyone who made it through today with me is entitled to a medal.
I will try again tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow, I will get it right.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke
I don't say it often enough, I know. I lose sight of it sometimes; getting caught up in my own fears and troubles is all too easy. But that doesn't make it less true: I am blessed. That's not a word I use often, and it's always in this context for me. The people who share my life, in whatever degree of closeness, bestow on me their time, their attention, and, sometimes, their love. In this, and in them, I am blessed.
I am not an easy person to love. I have a great many sharp edges, I'm demanding and rigid and sometimes childish. Those who manage to put up with all of that, however, still have to contend with mood swings and insecurities, self-doubt and self-centeredness. All of that, and still there are people who stand by me, who never have deserted me, who never have been too busy or hurting too badly themselves to be there when I needed them.
Some of those, poor darlings, make it to the ultimate in inconsistency: they wind up being loved by me. That particular experience, I'm sure, has to be a roller-coaster ride equal to none. I am warm and happy one moment, on the verge of tears the next; my disposition is sunny long enough to let them relax, and then the thunderclouds roll in without warning. Worse, I lie. I'm fine, I say when I'm bleeding. It's my problem, I declare with a shrug. What I mean is it hurts and I don't know where to begin to tell you, but that is not what I say. I'm all right. It's not important. There's nothing anyone can do. Shorthand for I'm dealing with something that scares me and I don't trust it out of my head.
Today's been one of those roller-coaster days. I've told so many lies that they're all I can taste. And anyone who made it through today with me is entitled to a medal.
I will try again tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow, I will get it right.
