(no subject)

[kuangning]

Sometimes I'm more blind than I have any right to be.

I just went through approximately a week of being nothing like my better or usual self. The depression, unfortunately, is all too frequent with me. Anger at everything and nothing isn't. Being filled with loathing at the very thought of couples-anything definitely isn't. I wandered around wanting contact and freezing out anyone who tried to get closer to me than a comment in this journal. Move on, move past, don't slow down, don't stop. And I couldn't figure out why, which didn't make me any happier. A dream is not a reason to crash. Besides, it started before that.

Logan's birthday was the twelfth.
Ari's is the twenty-third.

Part of it? Hell yeah. But it didn't explain all of it, not by a long shot.

And then I got reminded of another "anniversary." And suddenly I'm very very happy that I haven't been worse than I've been. And more determined than ever that this roller-coaster is going to stop soon.

• I have the job. Ninety days to health insurance.
  
• I'll need my license.
  
• I'll need a car.
  
• I need a place of my own, preferably near work. It's impossible to save here.
  
• I'll need at least the basic furniture and appliances, preferably used, definitely sturdy. Logan is rough on furniture. *wrysmile.*
  
• I need a new wardrobe. I wish I could get around that, but I can't, not and still be presentable at work. At least two more skirts, two pair of slacks, and a few blouses. I can forgo another jacket, since the one I have is a perfectly nice black one.
  

I think I can manage most of this by the end of the year. Even if the place of my own is just a room or something for a few months -- it's not like I'm intending to settle forever in North Carolina.

For less obvious but just as important reasons that I haven't really talked about here... I have to do this on my own. I know what I want, and more than that, I know how I want it to happen. I will not lean. I will not be rescued. I am not running to anyone. There are dreams riding on this that I couldn't begin to explain. I've gotten what I needed, almost always. Even when I didn't know it until afterwards, even when it hurt to take the medicine. Just enough happiness to make me want more, I said, and that was true. A day here, an evening there, of more real joy than most people know exists, let alone dream of having. Enough to keep me going. Preparation for this -- and this is what's going to count.

Comments

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

You'll manage, Cairsten. You keep on managing. And yeah, depression is the kudzu of the mind, returning in the night when we least expect it. But you can keep it pruned back. I've seen you do it time and again in the last year.

Have faith in yourself. I do.

[kuangning]

*hugs.* Thank you for this. The first thing that goes when depression strikes is my faith that I can convince myself to get past it, it always feels like -this- time I'm going to fail, -this- time I won't be able to stop it and I'm going to break. Like I've been lucky in the past, but my luck is about to run out.

[powerpynt.livejournal.com]

I don't know you well enough to know your situation...in fact I don't really know you at all so I may be way out of my "rights" here if not at least out of my element. That said, here's my 2 cents cuz I'm a big mouth that can't stand to be silent while watching others struggles.

There's nothing wrong with leaning hon, usually whoever you lean on is leaning back. "Taking" from someone is never right but going it alone is no sign of strength any more than asking for ocassional comfort is a sign of weakness.

We may be few and far between but some of us don't keep score, don't see help as a loan and don't call in "debts" because we don't understand the word as it relates to kindness. They don't offer you coattails to ride on, only companionship on your journey for they are searching for the same "wholeness", the same "self sufficiency".

It's not always easy to see them but when you do, don't turn them aside. Love with no strings is a gift not a crutch. Don't be alone by choice, there are 5 billion of us here...surely there are a few that do the right thing because it's the right thing to do and not for what they can get in return. Sorry love, I don't mean to sound like a daddy. I'm just a dog that sees goodness and kindness and worth in others and wants them to know that "help" is not a four letter word.

*/em steps off his soapbox and goes home where he belongs*

Woof

[kuangning]

Thank you for this. A year is too long to have shut the door on this issue, and this comment was a firm shove towards airing it out. Though now see what you've done? ;)

[thebahboo.livejournal.com]

I will offer you this kind of help, unless you change your mind and ask for other kinds.(which, is always there for you if withen my power)

I will send you positive thoughts. I will believe that you can do this, that you can make it and get where you aim to be.

I will be proud of your successes. And to me, there is no failure where an effort is made, so my pride is not contigent on what others think of as 'making it'.

I will stand by you, if only in spirit, when others or you yourself think you have fallen short of something.

I will think of you in my daily work.(what I call my meditations to the Lord and Lady, when I thank them for things and ask for help and guidance.)

I will listen, when you need to speak.

I offer these things in help, with a glad heart. Because I know, if I reached out my hand in need of a friends, yours would one of the hands that was quick to grasp mine.

Much love,
Mandy

[kuangning]

*hugs.* Thank you.

[mopalia.livejournal.com]

We're cheering you on with love and support. And whatever else you need.

[kuangning]

*hugs* . I know. I hope you know that I appreciate that.

[tatterdemalion.livejournal.com]

I have faith in you, you're a strong woman and a survivor...

and this is just the beginning

*hugs*

[kuangning]

*hugs back.* thanks, hon.