(no subject)

[kuangning]

Assumptions...

Hanging on to a memory of hurt because you're too afraid to find out whether things have changed. Never letting go of the hypervigilance, too busy being wary to notice that no-one's wielding the knife any longer. Too obsessed with the memory of things lost, to see what could be.

Abraham, are we sometimes bound by pride?
Too mindful of our hopes and dreams, to let the anger slide?

... What of the future, Abraham?
Will we achieve some peace?
From these solitudes we wander in,
Will there be some release?

-- James Keelaghan, Abraham

I'm tired of guarding against blows that haven't fallen yet... aren't you? I'm sick of wondering, and I think maybe you feel the same way. I'm thinking back beyond pain to a time that wasn't bad, even if it wasn't entirely right, and remembering what used to be, before there was this. I don't want to go back in time, I needed the lessons I learned, and that will never happen again, but I'm ready to go on now. Take a chance, and walk with me again awhile?

Comments

[episoen.livejournal.com]

trust is the hardest thing after you've been betrayed. But the problem is, how much can you let yourself trust another afterwords? well, it depends on how deserving they are of your trust, and how much you are willing to be hurt by them.

It seems to me like an endless cycle. Either you stay away from everyone and never let anybody close enough to make you happy, or to hurt you...
or you open yourself up and get close to people, which can bring great comfort and joy, but it will usually end up in you being broken once again.

I personally choose to open myself and become broken...

[kuangning]

it will usually end up in you being broken once again.

If that's what you believe, Evan, then you're stronger and braver than I. Because I open myself up only after the anger and hurt subside, and I do it knowing that the hurt that came last time wasn't deliberately inflicted, and knowing, too, that the mistake of the last time won't be repeated.

I don't go in believing I'll be broken again... I do it believing that the experience of being broken once makes it less likely that I'll be hurt again. In this particular case... there's betrayal on both sides. And more anger on mine, though less hurt on mine, than I would have thought going in... it came to the point where we were just as glad to get away as we had been, once, to be friends. But times change, and some things don't heal right unless they're talked through. I don't know if we're both ready for that, but I know absolutely that I am. And so... we move on.

Re:

[episoen.livejournal.com]

I believe that in a strange sense... I feel that it is true, but I ignore it because when I am with someone I love, I do not think of us breaking up... I only think of a future that we can be happy together... and so it is a lot easier to trust despite what could happen to me. It does lead to pain... but I've gotten better at dealing with that pain.

Mistakes are not always learned from. I know that I haven't learned from several of my mistakes... or rather, I learned from them, but those teachings have not been put into practice in my personality. I know that I will probably be hurt in close to the same way again... but next time, I will know how to deal with it better, and I will have hope of happiness afterwords.

Re:

[kuangning]

I believe that in a strange sense... I feel that it is true, but I ignore it because when I am with someone I love, I do not think of us breaking up... I only think of a future that we can be happy together...

That's a wonderful way to put it. And it's especially apt because I haven't felt that. Or, at least, I haven't felt it consistently. At times, I've been full of optimism about the possibilities of a relationship. Only to feel, ten minutes later, that I was dooming myself to pain. ( I'm speaking here about the start of a new relationship, not the mending of an old one... )

I'm going through something right now that's so much the opposite of that, that it astounds me. I've never before had no doubt that, given an opportunity, a relationship would yield no serious heartbreak. Not just moments of certainty alternating with panic and abject fear, but complete assurance. The only fear I have is that there won't be an opportunity. For me, that's so new a thing that I'm still wondering how I dared to let myself experience it.

As for the lessons learned, I have to say that what I've learned thus far and what I'm learning now tells me that this assurance is probably a very important litmus test of how a relationship will work. If you give your heart against your better judgement... what are the chances of happiness? If there's something you have to ignore, to be with someone, then your whole relationship hinges on how long you can blind yourself to that internal warning, and what kind of happiness can you achieve that way?

[episoen.livejournal.com]

I think it really depends on how big of a problem that thing that you are ignoring is. If it a really big problem, and they are not willing to change, then it seems to me that the relationship is doomed to failure, or at least it would be fairly unhealthy.
But therein lies the problem... I don't know if there is a "perfect other" for everybody, but I doubt that even a small percentage on the population has a perfect partner. because of this, there will more than likely be problems that you have to ignore for a time, at least. If they are willing to change, then maybe they can get rid of those problems, if they are unhealthy... The other alternative is to attune yourself to the problem (if it's not really bad, but just a pet peeve) so that it becomes something that you like, rather than something that bugs you.
I know that with Athena, there were a lot of things that annoyed me about her at first, but I later came to cherish.
this is all assuming that there is something obviously wrong, of course.

there are always so many variables in a relationship... if they are willing to talk about anything, it makes things easier, I think... because if you have an uneasy feeling about you, sometimes you can figure out what makes you feel uneasy by when you feel it when you are around them. Then you can figure out what to do about it...
but then there are people who are not willing to talk...
*sigh*
I'm trying to skim the top of a lot of incredibly complex things all at once, but I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it...

basically, if you can't get over that feeling that something is wrong. there are a few basic things that that means: either you are emotionally screwed up, there is something that is intrinsicly wrong with them that you can't notice on the outside, or you just have a little problem with them that can be easily fixed if you just try.

[kuangning]

Oddly enough, I think I do understand the majority of this. *smile.*

First... I'm not addressing the "perfect person" issue. I am not decided on whether such a thing exists. We're all facets of the same jewel, and as such, we're all base-level compatible. It stands to reason and sense, at least I think it does, that there are people who are better matches for each other than others... and it may well be that there are several "almost-perfect" people for each one of us. I don't know.

I don't mean, either, small, niggling quibbles. Those are generally either smoothed over or fought over, in my experience. What I meant was the times when you know that something is wrong, you know that there's pain waiting at the end of the road, but, for whatever reason... loneliness, usually... you choose to get involved anyway. How long do you fool yourself into believing that it might work out? If you try that, then you haven't been able to commit all of your heart anyway... your doubt proves that, and the fact that you're still looking over your shoulder for the blow to fall. And that simply dooms the relationship to fail. All you'll manage to do is prolong it.

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful way to put it. I have often wanted to say the same thing, but can't. I think, in part, that this is not something that someone can say to you, about your life -- it is something everyone has to realize for themselves.

[kuangning]

That's so true... because until you realize it for yourself, anyone's attempt to point it out will be seen as an attack in itself. At least, it works that way for me. Thanks for your thoughts and your time.

*hugs.*

[violetvixen.livejournal.com]

Too obsessed with the memory of things lost, to see what could be.

I don't want to go back in time, I needed the lessons I learned, and that will never happen again, but I'm ready to go on now. Take a chance, and walk with me again awhile?

These have been put well, worded with simple words for a greater and complex truth.

Though I try not to let the memory of things lost, corrupt my vision of now; I still occasionally feel trapped by internal mechinisms, that in the past kept me safe. Now, however they do nothing but cloud people's actions and voices. Coloring it with the past to blind the truth of the present.

I would like to think that more often than not I see the truth rather than the colorings of the past, but you never know for sure, do you? You may think you see it clearly, and you will through the filters set up from the past.

That is why I have to trust those around me, who have proven themselves time and time again. In small ways and in major heart wrenching ways, they are not here for the easy ride, and give as much if not more than I give them. Do you have anyone you trust that much? To see the selfish child in you, to see you at your weekest and not strike, and to see you at your strongest and not run?

It took a long time to learn not to invest overly in others, and too little in myself. When was the last time you did something for you, only for you and didn't feel guilty about it afterwards?

[fearghaill.livejournal.com]

I don't want to go back in time, I needed the lessons I learned, and that will never happen again, but I'm ready to go on now. Take a chance, and walk with me again awhile?

Though I've never left your side, I would be more than willing to travel the road with you in whatever direction you choose to roam.

[galith.livejournal.com]

I'm tired of guarding against blows that haven't fallen yet... aren't you?

I've only been in one real realtionship, and that one completley blindsided me when it died. I don't think I can ever go back to that state of ignorant bliss, the idea that everything will work out in the end. I don't know how much I could invest in a relationship, even if I managed to get in one. 4 years of trying have left me bitter and wary about how tempoary the whole thing is.

One needs contengincy plans, or at least to be able to make them quickly, because if your first plan falls through you need a back up. Otherwise it sucks, all of my heart breaks, every time that I've been really depressed about a particular even, it has been due to a lack of contingency plans, a lack of considering them, or a lack of ability to implement them.

You don't need to guard every boarder, but you always need to have some troops in reserve.

[kuangning]

Do you know that I love you with all my heart? I still feel that I don't thank you often enough for being the incredible friend to me that you are and have been. I'm thinking today about the months I spent out of #hellfighter, and how long I let that go on, until you. If I got nothing out of that whole ugly episode but you, my Dougie, I'd still have counted myself lucky. As it is, you've given me back, and on more than one occasion, more than a half-dozen other true friends -- and that's not counting the time and effort you put into getting Rik and me to set things right. In you, I'm blessed.