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Jan. 12th, 2003 12:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningRight. I was supposed to talk about letting go at some point.
I just saw my ex, the younger children's father, for the second time in as many weeks. We talked, quietly and mostly openly, about a lot of things. The question's come up of setting up a household again -- I want to move out, so does he, and it would probably be in the children's best interests, the list of pros runs. Still, I've put off making the decision.
*He's lost weight, is back to the way he was when I met him.
*He seems more brittle than before.
*He hasn't really changed otherwise. And that's comfortable, but disquieting.
*Gods, I have changed.
Those were my thoughts.
His cellphone rang during our couple of hours together. His roommate/sex partner keeps him on a short leash.
She sounded angry, suspicious. I sat there quietly, looking out the window of her car. And when he finished making excuses to her, never quite lying but not being forthcoming, either... I told him in as many words that I've enough baggage of my own that I don't want to deal with his.
I feel a little numbed, but a lot grateful. He's a comfortable past in some ways, the easy out of my parents' house. A year or two ago, I'd have jumped at it, and counted it fair that I was rescuing him from his own unpleasant reality. Today, I'm just relieved that he isn't my responsibility to take on. I love him, and wish him well -- but that "well" is *growth.* And he's very determined to not change, right now. He tells the same jokes. He wears his hair the same way, makes the same deliberate gestures, talks about the same people -- none of whom he's seen lately because that would mean coping with their changes. He's very invested in keeping his world static. And that makes me sad.
I also see a bit of the same thing in my perception of Richard, and it makes me glad he never picked up that card. If his world is the same tiny one it was ten years ago, I don't want to know it. I know that he, too, tells the same jokes -- that's enough. I don't really want to go backward. I want -- not need -- someone who will, at the very least, grow with me. If I can't have that, well, then I'm much better off by myself.
I just saw my ex, the younger children's father, for the second time in as many weeks. We talked, quietly and mostly openly, about a lot of things. The question's come up of setting up a household again -- I want to move out, so does he, and it would probably be in the children's best interests, the list of pros runs. Still, I've put off making the decision.
*He's lost weight, is back to the way he was when I met him.
*He seems more brittle than before.
*He hasn't really changed otherwise. And that's comfortable, but disquieting.
*Gods, I have changed.
Those were my thoughts.
His cellphone rang during our couple of hours together. His roommate/sex partner keeps him on a short leash.
She sounded angry, suspicious. I sat there quietly, looking out the window of her car. And when he finished making excuses to her, never quite lying but not being forthcoming, either... I told him in as many words that I've enough baggage of my own that I don't want to deal with his.
I feel a little numbed, but a lot grateful. He's a comfortable past in some ways, the easy out of my parents' house. A year or two ago, I'd have jumped at it, and counted it fair that I was rescuing him from his own unpleasant reality. Today, I'm just relieved that he isn't my responsibility to take on. I love him, and wish him well -- but that "well" is *growth.* And he's very determined to not change, right now. He tells the same jokes. He wears his hair the same way, makes the same deliberate gestures, talks about the same people -- none of whom he's seen lately because that would mean coping with their changes. He's very invested in keeping his world static. And that makes me sad.
I also see a bit of the same thing in my perception of Richard, and it makes me glad he never picked up that card. If his world is the same tiny one it was ten years ago, I don't want to know it. I know that he, too, tells the same jokes -- that's enough. I don't really want to go backward. I want -- not need -- someone who will, at the very least, grow with me. If I can't have that, well, then I'm much better off by myself.
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Date: 2003-01-12 05:47 pm (UTC)As a father and an ex-husband, I often think about how easy it would be to lead some aspects of my life if my son had both of his parents under the same roof, again. But then I also know that it would be extremely difficult. If his mother and I were to become a couple, again, the lie of the quality of our relationship would again be set in place. And I can't really see it as possible, any other way, unless we were living in some sort of Utopian or counterculture colony or commune--and that just ain't gonna happen. Good luck, with whatever develops, but listen to both your mind and heart.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-12 06:14 pm (UTC)It's interesting that you're not the only person to interpret "setting up a household" as becoming a couple again; to me, they're very separate things. My heart's given elsewhere, but it is easier to have someone with whom to share bills and chores, and it would have been nice for that someone to be the only father any of the kids has known. (Only Ari and Connor are biologically his, but Logan's father left when he was a year old, about a year and a half too late.)
Thank you for the good wishes; they always mean that much more coming from someone else who's parenting alone. Good luck to you and your son as well.