(no subject)

[kuangning]

Right. I was supposed to talk about letting go at some point.

I just saw my ex, the younger children's father, for the second time in as many weeks. We talked, quietly and mostly openly, about a lot of things. The question's come up of setting up a household again -- I want to move out, so does he, and it would probably be in the children's best interests, the list of pros runs. Still, I've put off making the decision.

*He's lost weight, is back to the way he was when I met him.
*He seems more brittle than before.
*He hasn't really changed otherwise. And that's comfortable, but disquieting.
*Gods, I have changed.

Those were my thoughts.

His cellphone rang during our couple of hours together. His roommate/sex partner keeps him on a short leash.
She sounded angry, suspicious. I sat there quietly, looking out the window of her car. And when he finished making excuses to her, never quite lying but not being forthcoming, either... I told him in as many words that I've enough baggage of my own that I don't want to deal with his.

I feel a little numbed, but a lot grateful. He's a comfortable past in some ways, the easy out of my parents' house. A year or two ago, I'd have jumped at it, and counted it fair that I was rescuing him from his own unpleasant reality. Today, I'm just relieved that he isn't my responsibility to take on. I love him, and wish him well -- but that "well" is *growth.* And he's very determined to not change, right now. He tells the same jokes. He wears his hair the same way, makes the same deliberate gestures, talks about the same people -- none of whom he's seen lately because that would mean coping with their changes. He's very invested in keeping his world static. And that makes me sad.

I also see a bit of the same thing in my perception of Richard, and it makes me glad he never picked up that card. If his world is the same tiny one it was ten years ago, I don't want to know it. I know that he, too, tells the same jokes -- that's enough. I don't really want to go backward. I want -- not need -- someone who will, at the very least, grow with me. If I can't have that, well, then I'm much better off by myself.

Comments

[kaolinfire.livejournal.com]

"makes the same deliberate gestures, talks about the same people -- none of whom he's seen lately because that would mean coping with their changes"

many of my ... friends from a "former" life live this way. it is sad to see them so. actively stagnant.

I look at my unmoving self and despair. yet these manage to walk backwards against time smiling all the while. these are people I like. they could be more and as such they should be more.

[kuangning]

*nods.* The things that attracted me to him that lie in him and not me are still there. I like the person he could be. But that isn't enough to make me take on the task of raising him to be that person. I have this uncomfortable certainty that soon after I set up a household with him, I would find myself reliving my past with him, except that his bags are bigger now, with a jealous other. I haven't the time, the will, or the energy.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

actively stagnant.

What a wonderful description! I like it.

[powerpynt.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you've made the decision and simply haven't put it to words yet. Your last sentence says it all.

[kuangning]

*smiles.* It would seem so, wouldn't it?

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

That's what I was going to say. It seems like in the course of writing that post, the decision was made. And a thoughtful, wise decision, at that. :)

Just a Little Note

[ziactrice.livejournal.com]

If he is lying to the woman he is sleeping with now, while using her car to come and talk to you for hours....

don't even get involved with him again. He'll do the same to you, with another woman (or three) in the future. I wouldn't want my household half-depending on such a habitual liar.

Have you managed to get your own account set up? Perhaps you can save up the money to get loose without having to have someone else's assistance?

Re: Just a Little Note

[kuangning]

Well, getting romantically/sexually involved with him was never in question. So who he chose to see, sleep with, or lie to, so long as he was honest with me, would be his own business. But no, I don't want to depend on him again, and yes, I do have my own accounts, so it may take some time, but I can do this on my own. He's the easy way out, not the only way.

Re: Just a Little Note

[ziactrice.livejournal.com]

Smile. Good! I'd worry about you, if you had to depend on this fellow's continuing honesty for your well-being or a roof over your head. He might work out fine, despite my doubts, but all in all, I think you're better off counting on yourself. ;)

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you made the wisest choice.

[mopalia.livejournal.com]

"I really would rather not have anything disrupted right now. "
"I'm not completely satisfied. And that's a good thing -- there are still things I want to do and be, goals to reach for. But I'm so much better off than I was this time last year. In a lot of important areas. And sometimes I forget that. I will remember today. "
These quotes from you, this week - sounds like things are going forward, and you've wisely decided not to go backward - well done!

[fifthconundrum.livejournal.com]

I've seen plenty of people choose the easy way out, hoping doing the same thing at a different time will produce different results. I'm glad you did not make that choice. It's better for you, and a better you means a better life for your children.

[kuangning]

*hugs.* Thank you. That's the way I feel about it too. Let's hope we're both right.

[dabroots.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you had children. I had this idea you were quite single, and had always been single, perhaps ten years younger, too.

As a father and an ex-husband, I often think about how easy it would be to lead some aspects of my life if my son had both of his parents under the same roof, again. But then I also know that it would be extremely difficult. If his mother and I were to become a couple, again, the lie of the quality of our relationship would again be set in place. And I can't really see it as possible, any other way, unless we were living in some sort of Utopian or counterculture colony or commune--and that just ain't gonna happen. Good luck, with whatever develops, but listen to both your mind and heart.

Re:

[kuangning]

I have three children: Logan, Arianne, and Connor. Logan turned six and Ari four in October, and Connor is about to turn three in March. I've just turned twenty-seven myself. The lifestyle, well, that's a harder question I'll probably answer clearly in a more protected entry; I believe it's been awhile since I talked about it here. I kept a Diaryland journal for about a year before coming to LJ, and things unfolded there that didn't get covered again when I moved to LJ. *wrysmile.*

It's interesting that you're not the only person to interpret "setting up a household" as becoming a couple again; to me, they're very separate things. My heart's given elsewhere, but it is easier to have someone with whom to share bills and chores, and it would have been nice for that someone to be the only father any of the kids has known. (Only Ari and Connor are biologically his, but Logan's father left when he was a year old, about a year and a half too late.)

Thank you for the good wishes; they always mean that much more coming from someone else who's parenting alone. Good luck to you and your son as well.

[tatterdemalion.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

a wise decision, I think, theres that old saying, 'you can never cross the same river twice' and I find thats usually right