(no subject)

[kuangning]

Too much to say. Not enough words in the world. Funny how all it takes is a dream, to crush the eggshell edges of bravado and spill all that carefully-contained emotion. A single dream, a matter of minutes, and every stifled want and unvoiced wish suddenly seems too large to ever fit back into the little corner I set aside for it.

I'm angry. I'm angry because it seems so unfair right now. Because I have been patient and I have been brave and I have tried to understand. Because I have dampened the frightening things, and tempered the raw, ungentle things, and pursued the lovely things, waiting for words, waiting for thoughts, waiting. Painting careful pictures, laying out the things that matter most in hopes that someone else can see them too. And they have been seen, and they have been -- what? Validated, I suppose. Become more real because I know now that I'm not the only one who feels them. I'm angry at myself for getting back to this point. Angrier because there's no reason for it. No real reason, anyway. What's a dream?

I'm aching -- because for all of that, when I did so well, when I poured out so much that I wanted to hold onto, what's left is this. Why is it always this?

I'm waiting for it to pass, to blow over. Hating myself for being so weak. And I'm so damned tired of waiting. Tired of myself, is what I mean right now, I know. Tired of moodswings and crashes and bouts of the blues that run into each other, with only enough happiness to make me crave what I can't hold onto.

Comments

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

mmmmm I love the way you write.

Have you read any of Pema Chodron's books? "Start where you are" or "When things fall apart"? I highly recommend ANYTHING from her.

Can I ask how you got your name 'Aiobheil'?

[kuangning]

No, I haven't read anything by her, but I will look. Thank you. And "aiobheil" was a character name I picked for VGA Planets, a turn-based play-by-email strategy game. I started using it on IRC, and I found that I liked it, so I kept it, and it simply transferred over.

Re:

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

When I see it my mind thinks 'Anabelle'. I think that's because it doesn't quite know how to say it. But there! I see your name now by that lovely picture. Cairsten. Nice. I like that name.

Yes, Pema is amazing and she'll have you sitting calmly through all of your storms in no time.. xx

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

The name is pronounced Ee-vahl, and is the irish version of the Banshee

Re:

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

Ohh! The Banshee! You know I've always thought a 'banshee' was a wild screaming woman warrior or something like that. I am surprised to see in my dictionary here, "...a female spirit in Gaelic folklore whose appearance or wailing warns a family that one of them will soon die." I had no idea... thanks!

[kuangning]

That's one version. She's also the fairy queen, and the protector of one of the clans. Donald, iirc. Personally, I prefer the former. ;) It's also pronounced "ah-oh-vel" -- I don't think I'd answer to something that much closer to "evil." *grin.*