(no subject)
Mar. 11th, 2002 10:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningOne of the things that's ringing true about Habits is the concept of Emotional Bank Accounts. And pointing out that what may seem to me to be a deposit - something that would make me happy to receive it - may actually be meaningless or even counterproductive from the other person's point of view. I know I've been on both sides of that kind of situation before.
I'm a verbal person; words are my coin, I value them. And so I give them to the people who matter to me and the people who could matter to me. In my lexicon, an email out of nowhere with a few words is one of the greatest gifts ever, because it proves that someone thought about me and thought enough of me to say something - and caring words take more effort than any other. Don't believe me? When I was a kid, one of my teachers did an experiment. He had us all stand up and each of us had to say "I hate you" to someone else. It took us less than a minute... a class of maybe 25 kids. Then he had us say "I love you"... just one word changed. It took close to ten minutes.
I remember what it felt like, standing there, trying to decide to whom it would be safest to say those words. Who wouldn't tease me for it, who wouldn't use it against me, who wouldn't cause me to be a target because of it. Because even though he told us that it wouldn't matter and that they were just words we had to say, we knew better. (In the end, I picked a safe choice... one of the quieter girls. Not one of the ones who had many friends with whom she could giggle about it later, not someone disliked, because that would open me up to ridicule, and definitely not one of the boys, because that would link my name to his for the rest of the year.)
... It was a very long time after that before I said those words again. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the line of thinking behind my choice then, either. But it brought home the lesson: WORDS COUNT. And they still do, though they come more easily now. The emotional currency hasn't changed, it's just that I'm a little richer now than I was then.
What's your coin? How do you show someone that you care about them, or what should someone do, to show you that they care about you?
I'm a verbal person; words are my coin, I value them. And so I give them to the people who matter to me and the people who could matter to me. In my lexicon, an email out of nowhere with a few words is one of the greatest gifts ever, because it proves that someone thought about me and thought enough of me to say something - and caring words take more effort than any other. Don't believe me? When I was a kid, one of my teachers did an experiment. He had us all stand up and each of us had to say "I hate you" to someone else. It took us less than a minute... a class of maybe 25 kids. Then he had us say "I love you"... just one word changed. It took close to ten minutes.
I remember what it felt like, standing there, trying to decide to whom it would be safest to say those words. Who wouldn't tease me for it, who wouldn't use it against me, who wouldn't cause me to be a target because of it. Because even though he told us that it wouldn't matter and that they were just words we had to say, we knew better. (In the end, I picked a safe choice... one of the quieter girls. Not one of the ones who had many friends with whom she could giggle about it later, not someone disliked, because that would open me up to ridicule, and definitely not one of the boys, because that would link my name to his for the rest of the year.)
... It was a very long time after that before I said those words again. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the line of thinking behind my choice then, either. But it brought home the lesson: WORDS COUNT. And they still do, though they come more easily now. The emotional currency hasn't changed, it's just that I'm a little richer now than I was then.
What's your coin? How do you show someone that you care about them, or what should someone do, to show you that they care about you?
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 11:23 am (UTC)Well . . . it works for my cat, anyway.
no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 11:36 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-03-11 11:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 12:19 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-03-11 12:28 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-03-11 01:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 12:04 pm (UTC)depends on who the person is...
how can people show they care?
some days you can't, no matter what
and other days noticing i exist would be enough
Re:
Date: 2002-03-11 12:17 pm (UTC)depends on who the person is...
Thank you. Michael said it, but I didn't see it until I saw your comment. That's the way it ought to be, isn't it? That's the point. One size doesn't fit all; I can't give to everyone the same way.
for the other part... let me rephrase it. What should I do, if I want to show you that I care?
no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 12:43 pm (UTC)Deposits of joy
Date: 2002-03-11 03:20 pm (UTC)I am not usually hungry for attention, but I love it when someone does something that proves that they think of me as smart and funny and competent. Like when someone sends me a code joke, even though they know I'll have to puzzle through it.
Music is also nice. If I could, I would have everyone make me two mix CDs. One about them, and what they like and how they see themselves, and one about me, and the songs that make them think of me.
Re: Deposits of joy
Date: 2002-03-12 12:23 pm (UTC)Re: Deposits of joy
Date: 2002-03-12 04:39 pm (UTC)Re: Deposits of joy
Date: 2002-03-13 06:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 04:50 pm (UTC)words, it has to be words, and the written word too, if I can't say what I want to say, then I find a song that someone else haas written, that conveys my feelings exactly, and use that.
Once the written word is out, then it's easier to say it in spoken word.
Emotional Bank Acct. - Never quite broke, but never Overflowing
Date: 2002-03-11 06:41 pm (UTC)In general physical contact is my trade and coin. However words are a good thing as well. However as often as I need to hear words in order to be secure in them, they are very short tender indeed for me. Written or spoke, but spoken generally is taken as more value, but viewed with more suspicion. *shrug* Just me an my paranoid self I would suppose.
But still, there are some times that all it takes is a glance or a smile, and I will be a happy cabbit all day long, and carry much of that for a while
no subject
Date: 2002-03-11 09:49 pm (UTC)Saying 'Hello' specifically to me, or even better greeting me in some way that's only for me or only for a small group.
Presents. Not necessarily in a 'I want stuff' sort of way, more in that it means they thought about what I'd like or something reminded them of me. It also had the advantage of giving me something tangible to hold on to. I still have presents from people that I haven't seen in years. Actually when I was recently cleaning my room I was very sad because we'd determined that little bugs had moved into a toy squeeker pig that I had. Which was saddest for me not for losing the pig, but because it had originally been a present from one of the people who ended up babysitting for me at one point.
Hugs/Backrubs/Curling up on couches/other touch. I am a naturally touchy feely person who has ended up supressing that a lot because for a long time most of my friends weren't. But this does make me feel better.
Noticing when I've been gone. This applies more to some than to others, but some response is good, again because it means that my absence made a difference.
Words are often important, too.
How I show affection:
Words, touch if I think it's ok, presents... ok, most of the same ways, though it varries from person to person and what I think they'd like/not like.
no subject
Date: 2002-03-12 12:28 pm (UTC)