The Song Remembers When...

[kuangning]

I thought long and hard before posting this, and decided to because, well, this is my space and my journal. What is in this is intensely personal, and I don't know that I'm ready for comment on it, but it's here because that's better than having it take up thoughtspace that could be better used on something ... anything... else. It's not complete or unbiased: it's not supposed to be.

It's not fair, and it's not grounds for judgement or criticism of anyone but maybe me, so those handful of you who know all the parties involved, or those of you who think you do, are not to use this against anyone, and I don't care what your biases are or what grounds you think you have, excluding this, for your judgements.

Part of what's behind this is people who think they understand everything that transpired during the course of hundreds of tiny events that they weren't privy to, making criticisms and judgements that they aren't qualified to make, satisfying their own tiny, meaningless vendettas by invoking demons they don't understand the half of, causing damage they're too small-minded to acknowledge (even though by not acknowledging it they're denying themselves the satisfaction they're looking for. Isn't dehumanisation of your enemy wonderful?)

It's more about that, truthfully, than about anything that gets mentioned behind the lj-cut, or about the people who get protrayed there, either. And I won't have this compounded by mudslinging and namecalling on my behalf by more people who don't understand because they weren't there. I don't require defense, I don't want pity, and I do only need to get this out of my head and into the light where I can see it and walk away from it. If you can't deal with that on my terms, don't read any further. That is all.



[a woman loves beyond her questions]
"Does it hurt you that I won't give _____ up?"
(the fact that you asked tells me what you want, and I won't make you give up something that makes you happy. you'd hate me for it later. I'll be okay.)

[and dreams beyond her doubts]
(you know, hon... no matter how hard I try, I can't see us being together forever.)

[her heart will lead and she will follow]
"will you marry me?" (yes. yes, I'll marry you.)

[even when there's no way out]
"don't tell the guys in _____. they'll think I've lost my mind."

[her eyes refuse to see the danger]
[as she walks right through the fire]
"That's really stupid, hon." "My mother thinks you're an idiot." "That's the dumbest damned thing I've ever heard." "My mom says you're a moron." "You know, hon, your judgement's really fucked up." "That was really fucking stupid."

[a man may give himself to passion and desire]
"I want you." "You're mine." "I can't wait to be with you."

[but a woman loves]
"I'm sorry, hon." (It's all right, angel. I love you.) (I do love you, you know. I don't want to hurt you, you'll be better off without me. There'll be someone else; you're a wonderful man.) "Oh, yeah? If I'm so wonderful, how come you want to leave me?" (I gave in.)

[and in the silence, something begins to unravel]
(I love you, hon.) "Love you, too." (*headshake* No, you don't.) *shrug, and roll over.* "okay, then. I don't." (I never believed in you again.)

"I'm going out with _____. You don't mind, do you?" (the fact that you asked tells me what you want, and I won't make you give up something that makes you happy. you'd hate me for it later. No, it's all right. I'll be okay. (my first Mother's Day without my kids. I spent it alone, but you didn't see me cry.) )

"I'm going out with _____. Don't know how long we'll be gone; don't wait up." (Can I come along? I'd never asked before. It'd be a long time before I asked again.) "There's no room for you in the car; _____'s coming with us." (ahh, okay. have fun. and somewhere along the line, I stopped being introduced as your girlfriend.)

[you never knew him like you'll be knowing him now]
(I could really use some company... walk with me, please? I shouldn't have to beg for your company. if not for 'nirion, I would've already given up on you.) "No. but while you're out, would you mind picking up some lizard food? I'll pay you back later." (all right, hon.)

being in a relationship means you have him to lean on, too, you know. it's perfectly all right to demand primacy lest you split.
(what good is it if it's forced? if it isn't given freely, if I have to beg for consideration every time, what kind of relationship is that? Mm. I'll think about that.)

(*phone call, middle of the night, my eye swollen shut and my lip split.*) "I don't know what you expect me to do about it." (I didn't expect anything, just needed to talk. I called 911 for myself. Will I see you tomorrow?) "No, I've got things to do. I'm gonna go hang out with some friends."

[falling out of love, and back on your feet]
suicide is an extremely selfish thing. think of all the people you hurt. think how your boyfriend must feel. (that would be the boyfriend who put me in the hospital and left on a paintball trip the next day? tell me again how much I hurt him and how upset he is.)

I don't think you should have any more contact with him, Cairsten. You've done a great job this last couple of weeks, of focussing on your own issues. I'm sure he has his own, but it's your welfare that concerns me. If he loved you, I think he'd be here, and I don't want to see you undermine the progress you've made. (but I have to know.)

[turning away from that dead-end street]
"You know, I wish sometimes that you didn't take everything so quietly. That you didn't just accept things." (I've had weeks to accept it, you didn't surprise me.) "I mean, if it'd been Rose I just broke up with, she'd've been cussing me out or something." (there is nothing left to fight for.) "Go call Rik." (I didn't talk to him that night. but I did all right anyway.)

[and finding out that nothing feels as good as letting go]
She used him up and then left him to do all the suffering.
She didn't lose anything.
(I suppose the price of happiness is dealing with people who don't understand how hard it was to come by.)

[f.a.d.e.o.u.t]