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Jan. 9th, 2002 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningSometimes, opening my inbox can be a scary thing. Something from Inner Journey has me alternately cringing and sighing. I'm not sure how much of this is just my mood, and how much is truth.
Human beings are unique because WE ARE SELF-CONSCIOUS. We not
only know, but we know that we know. We are thinkers. We can work
with not only our animal instinct, but also our intellect and
intuition. We are also unique because we can be conscious of our
soul influences. We can seek, grasp and experience the mysteries
of life. We can actively PARTICIPATE IN OUR OWN EVOLVEMENT, if we
so choose.
How do we evolve? By becoming more aware of who we are. THE
PURPOSE OF OUR LIVES IS TO UNCOVER OUR OWN TRUTH - to live more
and more from our authentic natural self that knows the way. For
the truth of the spiritual path is that 'who I am is always
enough.' And when we explore our own natures, we can awaken the
self-acceptance, self-love and self-expression that make it
possible to connect consciously, honestly and deeply with the
rest of life.
That was the excerpt that struck me. Both right and wrong, it seems to me today. Yes, we are self-aware (isn't that a curse sometimes, though? We're also self-doubting, self-questioning, self-sabotaging, not just self-fulfilling.) But that's just part of it, and not the greatest part. "Who I am is always enough"... what utter bullshit. If I actually believed that, what incentive would there be, to grow and change? Why should I evolve, why should I strive, if I'm never discontented with myself?
I'm not saying that I never am satisfied with who I am. Indeed, just lately I've been able to say that I like who I am, I'm proud of my growth. But that's just it, isn't it? I'm proud of having grown, from a point where I was dissatisfied and unhappy with what I was, to a point that was closer to what I wanted to be. If ever I do feel that who I am is enough, there isn't anything I can be that will make me better or happier or stronger, I won't have a reason left to live.
I'm proud. I'm stubborn. I'm kind, I'm careless, I'm awkward, I'm generous, I'm selfish, I'm jealous, I'm forgiving, I'm graceful, I'm competent, I'm strong, I'm fragile, I'm shattered, I'm a healer, I'm loving, I'm cruel, I'm tender. I'm all of that. I'll always be all of that. It's a balancing act, every single day, to make sure the good outweighs the bad, and sometimes all I can manage is to not let the bad outweigh the good by too great a margin.
Sometimes I fall into things that come too easily. Destructiveness. Self-destructiveness. Despair. Self-pity. Giddiness. Shallowness. Vindictiveness. If you're looking to catalogue my faults, you'll be kept busy. If you're looking for my strengths, though, you'll also be kept busy. Because I love, fiercely and protectively and tenderly, and for me love doesn't burn out. It fades, it gets hidden or shoved aside, but it lasts. I create. I dream. I laugh. I share. Sometimes too much, sometimes I show more than I need to and it becomes a wound both of us have to live with. But I share.
If you're looking to me to reach some stage of perfection, to reach some yardstick by which you're measuring me, then you'll wait a long time. I'll disappoint you often, I'll let you believe I've gotten there and then I'll fall short. Because my progress isn't a one-directional thing, it's more about how I get there than where I end up. Don't cage me in. Don't tell me there's only one way, because I never will be able to follow it. I've got to dance my own path, and if it takes me over thin ice sometimes, then I'll swim or drown, and the lesson will still be what's important. I'll never be satisfied with who I am... so why should anyone else?
Take me or leave me, and be glad you have the choice. Just know, the way I do, that accepting me lets you in for something rewarding, maddening, frustrating, joyful, gratifying, disappointing, fascinating. If you're not in it for the ride, then wait at your finish line; I may be there, I may not. But I'll wind up where I was meant to be, probably. So long as I'm never too satisfied with where I am at any one point along the way.
Human beings are unique because WE ARE SELF-CONSCIOUS. We not
only know, but we know that we know. We are thinkers. We can work
with not only our animal instinct, but also our intellect and
intuition. We are also unique because we can be conscious of our
soul influences. We can seek, grasp and experience the mysteries
of life. We can actively PARTICIPATE IN OUR OWN EVOLVEMENT, if we
so choose.
How do we evolve? By becoming more aware of who we are. THE
PURPOSE OF OUR LIVES IS TO UNCOVER OUR OWN TRUTH - to live more
and more from our authentic natural self that knows the way. For
the truth of the spiritual path is that 'who I am is always
enough.' And when we explore our own natures, we can awaken the
self-acceptance, self-love and self-expression that make it
possible to connect consciously, honestly and deeply with the
rest of life.
That was the excerpt that struck me. Both right and wrong, it seems to me today. Yes, we are self-aware (isn't that a curse sometimes, though? We're also self-doubting, self-questioning, self-sabotaging, not just self-fulfilling.) But that's just part of it, and not the greatest part. "Who I am is always enough"... what utter bullshit. If I actually believed that, what incentive would there be, to grow and change? Why should I evolve, why should I strive, if I'm never discontented with myself?
I'm not saying that I never am satisfied with who I am. Indeed, just lately I've been able to say that I like who I am, I'm proud of my growth. But that's just it, isn't it? I'm proud of having grown, from a point where I was dissatisfied and unhappy with what I was, to a point that was closer to what I wanted to be. If ever I do feel that who I am is enough, there isn't anything I can be that will make me better or happier or stronger, I won't have a reason left to live.
I'm proud. I'm stubborn. I'm kind, I'm careless, I'm awkward, I'm generous, I'm selfish, I'm jealous, I'm forgiving, I'm graceful, I'm competent, I'm strong, I'm fragile, I'm shattered, I'm a healer, I'm loving, I'm cruel, I'm tender. I'm all of that. I'll always be all of that. It's a balancing act, every single day, to make sure the good outweighs the bad, and sometimes all I can manage is to not let the bad outweigh the good by too great a margin.
Sometimes I fall into things that come too easily. Destructiveness. Self-destructiveness. Despair. Self-pity. Giddiness. Shallowness. Vindictiveness. If you're looking to catalogue my faults, you'll be kept busy. If you're looking for my strengths, though, you'll also be kept busy. Because I love, fiercely and protectively and tenderly, and for me love doesn't burn out. It fades, it gets hidden or shoved aside, but it lasts. I create. I dream. I laugh. I share. Sometimes too much, sometimes I show more than I need to and it becomes a wound both of us have to live with. But I share.
If you're looking to me to reach some stage of perfection, to reach some yardstick by which you're measuring me, then you'll wait a long time. I'll disappoint you often, I'll let you believe I've gotten there and then I'll fall short. Because my progress isn't a one-directional thing, it's more about how I get there than where I end up. Don't cage me in. Don't tell me there's only one way, because I never will be able to follow it. I've got to dance my own path, and if it takes me over thin ice sometimes, then I'll swim or drown, and the lesson will still be what's important. I'll never be satisfied with who I am... so why should anyone else?
Take me or leave me, and be glad you have the choice. Just know, the way I do, that accepting me lets you in for something rewarding, maddening, frustrating, joyful, gratifying, disappointing, fascinating. If you're not in it for the ride, then wait at your finish line; I may be there, I may not. But I'll wind up where I was meant to be, probably. So long as I'm never too satisfied with where I am at any one point along the way.
Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 04:02 pm (UTC)Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 04:13 pm (UTC)Innocent... well, yes. I suppose in many ways, yes. (that feels oddly vulger to admit, though. hmm...)
Still... You gave me credit? O_o
Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 04:32 pm (UTC)Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 04:48 pm (UTC)Credit for WHAT, might I ask? ^_^
Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 05:13 pm (UTC)Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 05:40 pm (UTC)Dammit. Now it's going to bother me and I won't be able to sleep tonight! ;_;
Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 05:45 pm (UTC)Re: *beams*
Date: 2002-01-09 05:48 pm (UTC)Well I _did_ eat them, and what happened? I'm still a little weakling!
As for sleep... well, losing a little doens't hurt. But I tend to lose a lot.
"How many hours?"
"One, two, three, four, lots!"
"Only lots?"
"Okay. Lots and lots!"