fleeting ideas...
Dec. 9th, 2001 12:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningsometimes annoy me. There's something just brushing the edges of my mind, and it's familiar, it's something I've given some thought to before, sometime, but it's in hiding, crystalline structure iceberg-submerged, laughing at me, daring me to trap it and cut myself open on the razor edges of Truth, when I try to bring it to the light.
It's got to do with trust. With belief. With things that happen for the reason that they were meant to happen, and all the questioning in the world won't change them. Why me? Why you? Why now? ... because it is. Because we are, and what we are is so bound up in each other that we can't pull apart without doing damage. I've tried. You have, too. It's in us, you see, this grasping for control; lying quiescent isn't in us. I want to forge my own way. Don't you? I want something that's mine, built with my own hands, something I can lay claim to, something that can't be torn from me. And out of that need, I know, I bore children.
Byproducts of loneliness, and a means in themselves... and so much more. More bonds. More interconnections. More futures bound up in mine... it's what I wanted, a gift given and yet taken away, a lesson learned... they're mine. In a way that they'll never be anyone else's. And yet, not mine. Reaching for their own futures, their own control. And teaching me acceptance while they do.
How can it be right and not-right, at the same time? How? But it is. I set aside loneliness, I thought, and thought that I took happiness where I found it. And even while I had it, I knew inside that I didn't. That there was something missing, some fulfilment I was being denied, and denying to him, for several values of "him," because we weren't meant to be. And I've fought hard against something that could be because just the possibility disturbed my ordered world, and then had to give in... and pull away... and cause pain where there should have been none, had I only been quiescent.
How and to whom do I apologize, for not being still?
It's got to do with trust. With belief. With things that happen for the reason that they were meant to happen, and all the questioning in the world won't change them. Why me? Why you? Why now? ... because it is. Because we are, and what we are is so bound up in each other that we can't pull apart without doing damage. I've tried. You have, too. It's in us, you see, this grasping for control; lying quiescent isn't in us. I want to forge my own way. Don't you? I want something that's mine, built with my own hands, something I can lay claim to, something that can't be torn from me. And out of that need, I know, I bore children.
Byproducts of loneliness, and a means in themselves... and so much more. More bonds. More interconnections. More futures bound up in mine... it's what I wanted, a gift given and yet taken away, a lesson learned... they're mine. In a way that they'll never be anyone else's. And yet, not mine. Reaching for their own futures, their own control. And teaching me acceptance while they do.
How can it be right and not-right, at the same time? How? But it is. I set aside loneliness, I thought, and thought that I took happiness where I found it. And even while I had it, I knew inside that I didn't. That there was something missing, some fulfilment I was being denied, and denying to him, for several values of "him," because we weren't meant to be. And I've fought hard against something that could be because just the possibility disturbed my ordered world, and then had to give in... and pull away... and cause pain where there should have been none, had I only been quiescent.
How and to whom do I apologize, for not being still?
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no subject
Date: 2001-12-09 09:10 pm (UTC)