(no subject)

[kuangning]

The sun's been peeking through the window for awhile, telling me it's time to turn the machine off and go to bed. And I'm still sitting here, wishing I could turn my mind off. Wishing I had answers, for myself and for some other people I know, a little or a lot. Wondering why it's so much easier to talk about commonplaces than to look someone in the eye and say, I see that you're hurting. I hurt, too. Maybe we could walk this road together for awhile, maybe that would make it easier.

I can tell you how to write a thesis, correct your grammar, call you on any of a thousand different points, and not think a thing of it. When we think it matters, though, we get shy, don't we? Have I got the right to interfere? Who am I to say? Let hir keep hir illusions... defenses... we wall it around for ourselves and call it "private" and shoulder it all on our lonesome... and we hate it. And yet we never think someone else might hate it as much as we do.

Well, maybe not today.

I can almost hear you crying. And I've wanted to tell you for awhile that you absolutely awe me. So today I am. You're strong, and honest, and loyal, you're precious and infinitely worth caring for, and the people who've told you otherwise are wrong. Don't let people who hurt you tell you what to believe of yourself. If they were worth your pain at one point, they're not now. That doesn't mean they're bad people, just that they're not good for you. So don't live your life for them.

And you... you don't know how long I've been wanting to say to you, you're better than your circumstances. There's so much that's beautiful waiting for you, just beyond the point where you start to see how much potential you have. You've got so much more control than you know, it's just a matter of time.

I wish you understood that trust is precious but not irreplaceable. It's a pearl, best when it's created slowly, one layer at a time, but it loses its lustre if it's kept in a box and never worn. Find a middle ground, hon. You can't let everyone in, no, but it's a lonely world if you lock us all out, too.

I wish you saw what I see... in you.

Comments

[mindrobber.livejournal.com]

I know we don't interact often, but once again you have reminded me why I keep you on my friends list.

I have read about the difficulties you are going through to rejoin your children and it's not something I can personally relate to, and yet despite the hurdles and setbacks you write about in your LJ, you always manage to find some moments of joy or wisdom to share too.

Not sure if I'm making sense, but your post could not go without a response.

Re:

[kuangning]

Thank you. *hugs.*

[phenyx.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew who I am...

[kuangning]

Which of those do you think I'd say to you if I dared, 'bastian? ;)

enh

[phenyx.livejournal.com]

it's probably just my general peeve with the posting of un-addressed second person stuff in LJs... there's (I guess) a loose understanding that You Know Who You Are, but ... it seems like a bit of a "I know something you don't" thing on the part of the writer - I'm going to write something that you won't be able to understand unless you're one of the Few In The Know, but I'm going to post it where everyone can see it.

I want to be in the know, dammit! ;)

Or it'd be nice to have an X-Relevant-For: header for LJ - that way I could quickly discard the posts I'm not supposed to be able to understand.

</session flavour="bitch">

Re: enh

[kuangning]

Alternatively, it might be "I'm going to say something out loud I wouldn't usually say, and it applies to someone who may or may not appreciate hearing it, and someone may appreciate hearing it to whom I might not have dared to say it, so I'm not going to point a finger at any one person." *smiles.* If there was something in there you wish I had said to you, then you don't know that it wasn't said to you. If there was something in there you would hate to have said to you, well, assume it wasn't said. It's cowardice disguised as openness, but it lets everyone be comfortable.

Or almost everyone. ;)

Re: enh

[phenyx.livejournal.com]

Loose ambiguity is anathema to me. I've spent the last n years refining my vocabulary and sense of language, so as to sharpen the opacity and ambiguity of English into a fine instrument. I spend large-N seconds in the middle of serious conversation, my hand held in the air, gesturing frantically, until I can put together the exact phrase and wording to convey exactly the meaning intended (or to allow precisely metered flexibility - good for saying things that are only literally true).

Which is probably why this bugs me so much. =)