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Oct. 13th, 2001 06:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningNote to self: Java is probably best not tackled in the small hours of the morning.
The note of the day is frustration. I feel stuck. Can't alter the mood I'm in without help, can't get back or move forward, either. What have I done, what have I changed, what have I created? Nothing worth much, lately. All my energy's being spent on just holding still. Existing. Preservation, instead of progress.
Someone IM'd me tonight and challenged me to write a poem.. more than one, actually. Testing how fast the words could flow, how much I could write, pretty much regardless of quality. I felt grateful to her. Because she brought me outside myself, made me wake up and shut up and just think and do. But, fuck, how stuck am I, if I need someone to hold my hand and make me do it?
I took up springboard diving, in college. This matters because A) I'm afraid of heights. And B) I started out a non-swimmer that year. I'd only learned to swim six months earlier. Anyway. I showed up for class that first evening, and, after a few tries off the low board, realised that if I were ever going to be sure I wasn't wasting my time, I had to go off the high dive. I climbed the ladder against my coach's advice, looked down at the water... and froze. Probably one of the most intensely terrifying experiences I've ever had, and one of the most embarrassing. It lasted for forty-five minutes.
I was determined I wasn't going to back down; I wasn't going to climb down the ladder. But I couldn't make myself step off the diving board. I stood there, with my toes at the edge, feeling the breeze just cutting through my wet swimsuit, and trying not to bawl, because I was sixteen years old, for gods' sakes, I wasn't a baby anymore. I can still feel the texture of that diving board under my toes, still feel how it moved as I trembled.
It took the threat of someone being sent up to get me, to make me step off. Because, for all that I was terrified, I was just as determined to do it myself. I'm feeling that same paralysis now. Fear on one side just balances wanting to achieve something, on the other... and so I don't do anything. This disgusts me about myself. When I'm in the right company, I can be what I need to be, do what I need to. Take that away, and I accomplish.. what? And does the achievement, no matter what it is, really matter if I needed someone to hold my hand every step of the way? If I needed the impetus?
There aren't many things I've managed to do without some looming motivation. The violin, I wanted, yes, but I wanted it more when I was told I couldn't have it. Good grades were a direct result of competition. I had to be first. The consequences were dire if I wasn't. Carrot and stick. Right now, there is no motivation, no motivator, and I'm letting my fears get the better of me, and getting nowhere.
So I guess the question is, can I make fear of not achieving into a strong enough motivation to get past the other fears.
The note of the day is frustration. I feel stuck. Can't alter the mood I'm in without help, can't get back or move forward, either. What have I done, what have I changed, what have I created? Nothing worth much, lately. All my energy's being spent on just holding still. Existing. Preservation, instead of progress.
Someone IM'd me tonight and challenged me to write a poem.. more than one, actually. Testing how fast the words could flow, how much I could write, pretty much regardless of quality. I felt grateful to her. Because she brought me outside myself, made me wake up and shut up and just think and do. But, fuck, how stuck am I, if I need someone to hold my hand and make me do it?
I took up springboard diving, in college. This matters because A) I'm afraid of heights. And B) I started out a non-swimmer that year. I'd only learned to swim six months earlier. Anyway. I showed up for class that first evening, and, after a few tries off the low board, realised that if I were ever going to be sure I wasn't wasting my time, I had to go off the high dive. I climbed the ladder against my coach's advice, looked down at the water... and froze. Probably one of the most intensely terrifying experiences I've ever had, and one of the most embarrassing. It lasted for forty-five minutes.
I was determined I wasn't going to back down; I wasn't going to climb down the ladder. But I couldn't make myself step off the diving board. I stood there, with my toes at the edge, feeling the breeze just cutting through my wet swimsuit, and trying not to bawl, because I was sixteen years old, for gods' sakes, I wasn't a baby anymore. I can still feel the texture of that diving board under my toes, still feel how it moved as I trembled.
It took the threat of someone being sent up to get me, to make me step off. Because, for all that I was terrified, I was just as determined to do it myself. I'm feeling that same paralysis now. Fear on one side just balances wanting to achieve something, on the other... and so I don't do anything. This disgusts me about myself. When I'm in the right company, I can be what I need to be, do what I need to. Take that away, and I accomplish.. what? And does the achievement, no matter what it is, really matter if I needed someone to hold my hand every step of the way? If I needed the impetus?
There aren't many things I've managed to do without some looming motivation. The violin, I wanted, yes, but I wanted it more when I was told I couldn't have it. Good grades were a direct result of competition. I had to be first. The consequences were dire if I wasn't. Carrot and stick. Right now, there is no motivation, no motivator, and I'm letting my fears get the better of me, and getting nowhere.
So I guess the question is, can I make fear of not achieving into a strong enough motivation to get past the other fears.
