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kuangningIs a good time to explain something that's been going on for a little while. This entry's wide open, so some of you won't have had the misfortune of experiencing the bad mood that's been deviling me for the last while. If that's you, then count yourself lucky and pass over this. 'Cause this is for the rest of you.
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canuckgirl posted a poll about Christmas, and whether we're looking forward to it. I responded with, "I'm faking it." I'm doing more than that. I'm sitting here and attempting to "fake it till I make it," ie, wear a smile till it doesn't hurt any more, concentrate on good things and hold on till hope takes me through. The rest of it, what's going on under that surface cheerfulness, doesn't get displayed to most of you, and a lot doesn't get told to any of you. There's so much that doesn't get written about here. Not only unhappy things, but silly little ones, too. Small triumphs, but they're only triumphs because there's so much background behind them that I can't explain the thing without letting out too much of myself. And that urge to shut things away frustrates me about myself.
This is a journal, after all; its purpose is to share things, to put down in one place who I am, and what makes me that way. To leave a record, for myself but also for anyone who cares to see, of where I am and where I was and why. And still, it's so easy to hide. To get caught up in reading about all of you, and talking to some of you, and not say anything worth saying, for myself.
Disclosure. That's the heart of the matter, I think. I never make full disclosure to anyone. Even the persons who love me best never hear it all, and I don't know why. People who don't love me take it as a sign of my inherent dishonesty, a native sneakiness, to withold myself while encouraging others to open themselves up to me. It is a sort of selfishness, I suppose. But it's one that hurts me as often as anyone else, when I look into someone's eyes who should know, who deserves to know me, whom I want and need to know... but who doesn't know, because I've never found a way past the internal censor.
No, I'm not happy. Or at least, only on the surface. Inside, I'm contemplating a Christmas without my family, and with my own doubts and regrets and worries, and I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. I'm taking meds that aren't doing anything for me. I'm stuck wondering how I might have done things better in the past, and if I'll ever have a chance to make things work out right. I'm trying with everything I've got to remake myself into something acceptable to someone I love, and knowing that that person's standards for me probably are less strict than my own for myself.. even if I manage to somehow be good enough there, I won't be happy with myself. And that still doesn't tell anyone anything who doesn't already know the situations I'm talking about, so I'm failing here, too.
Back of all that is the knowledge that all of the above is simply ungrateful whining. Nothing is going too horribly wrong in my life right now. I have no reason to feel the way I do. And I'm trying to snap out of it, but that only works if I'm staying busy and not thinking about or talking about it. Decembers are dark times for me in any case, and if I can make it through the month, then things should get better. In the meantime... well, in the meantime, what you see is what you've got, and my apologies for it in advance.
canuckgirl posted a poll about Christmas, and whether we're looking forward to it. I responded with, "I'm faking it." I'm doing more than that. I'm sitting here and attempting to "fake it till I make it," ie, wear a smile till it doesn't hurt any more, concentrate on good things and hold on till hope takes me through. The rest of it, what's going on under that surface cheerfulness, doesn't get displayed to most of you, and a lot doesn't get told to any of you. There's so much that doesn't get written about here. Not only unhappy things, but silly little ones, too. Small triumphs, but they're only triumphs because there's so much background behind them that I can't explain the thing without letting out too much of myself. And that urge to shut things away frustrates me about myself. This is a journal, after all; its purpose is to share things, to put down in one place who I am, and what makes me that way. To leave a record, for myself but also for anyone who cares to see, of where I am and where I was and why. And still, it's so easy to hide. To get caught up in reading about all of you, and talking to some of you, and not say anything worth saying, for myself.
Disclosure. That's the heart of the matter, I think. I never make full disclosure to anyone. Even the persons who love me best never hear it all, and I don't know why. People who don't love me take it as a sign of my inherent dishonesty, a native sneakiness, to withold myself while encouraging others to open themselves up to me. It is a sort of selfishness, I suppose. But it's one that hurts me as often as anyone else, when I look into someone's eyes who should know, who deserves to know me, whom I want and need to know... but who doesn't know, because I've never found a way past the internal censor.
No, I'm not happy. Or at least, only on the surface. Inside, I'm contemplating a Christmas without my family, and with my own doubts and regrets and worries, and I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. I'm taking meds that aren't doing anything for me. I'm stuck wondering how I might have done things better in the past, and if I'll ever have a chance to make things work out right. I'm trying with everything I've got to remake myself into something acceptable to someone I love, and knowing that that person's standards for me probably are less strict than my own for myself.. even if I manage to somehow be good enough there, I won't be happy with myself. And that still doesn't tell anyone anything who doesn't already know the situations I'm talking about, so I'm failing here, too.
Back of all that is the knowledge that all of the above is simply ungrateful whining. Nothing is going too horribly wrong in my life right now. I have no reason to feel the way I do. And I'm trying to snap out of it, but that only works if I'm staying busy and not thinking about or talking about it. Decembers are dark times for me in any case, and if I can make it through the month, then things should get better. In the meantime... well, in the meantime, what you see is what you've got, and my apologies for it in advance.
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Today...
Date: 2001-12-07 10:24 am (UTC)for anyone else. This is your journal, and if
no one like... tell them to take a hike.
Decembers are tough for many people, for
various reasons. The one thing I want you
to hear is... you're not alone, you're not
in this world to make everyone/anyone happy.
If you happen to make someone happy, then
they need to feel grateful that you're on
this earth.
*Be good to yourself*
no subject
Date: 2001-12-07 11:15 am (UTC)never be ashamed to tell your problems if you think that they are "too small"
a problem is a problem no matter what size it is, and you won't offend anyone who unless they already have something against you if you complain about your own pains, no matter the size. Life is a hard thing to go through, and anyone who really cares for you won't hesitate to try to make it easier for you one way or another... even if it's helping you with a problem that you think is small enough that it shouldn't be signifigant.
As for faking happiness...
*sigh*
I know that many people have their own take on this... and this is just my opinion.
I find that it's a lot easier to live with myself when I am brutally honest. There is a greater amount of pain all at once, but I am usually able to get over it much more quickly. When I dwell on the past, and try to hide from the things that hurt me... I might be a bit happier for periods of time, but the pain keeps coming back to haunt me, magnifying every other depression I already have... which almost lead me to suicide on more than one occasion.
But in the end, you have to do what is right for you- make your own existance one you can be happy with and one you can be proud of- that is important above all else. If part of that existance is helping others to be happy as well (as it is with me) then more power to ya.
I know that a lot of people (including myself) hold almost nothing back from livejournal... It is really very hard to do at first... it is really bearing your greatest fears to your friends and to strangers you don't even know, too. If you are at all uncomfortable with who you are and what you feel, or if you are ashamed of the things that you do, it's even harder, because you are putting yourself at the mercy of other people's judgement. But if you are able to do it... It feels so good to let out what you really want to say. Every time I make a post about something that deep within me, afterwords I feel so much better, because I've gotten it out there, so it is off of my mind.
just some things to think about.
(oops.. this was a REALLY LONG reply... sorry)
no subject
Date: 2001-12-07 11:32 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-12-07 07:55 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2001-12-07 01:51 pm (UTC)You are a beatiful person in yourself, and that is good.
no subject
Date: 2001-12-07 04:48 pm (UTC)*hugs*
Date: 2001-12-08 03:52 am (UTC)It is no coincidence that reported cases of depression rise in the months of Nov-Jan.
People are told they SHOULD be happy, that they are expected to be happy and that stuff, and for a lot of people it just aint gonna happen.
I don't much like December myself either.
Hang is there
Date: 2001-12-09 08:41 pm (UTC)I know you are strong, because you have lasted this long on this earth and saw, so many things... at times when I felt I was weak, I rejoiced in the fact that I knew people loved me.. and that my friends were going to be there through it all... and yours will be too... I know it is hard to see past this fog, but they are there.
I am kindof out of the loop, so... as far as I know that you are still with Rik, (I am glad)... it is hard to be without a family at Christmas time... I've been myself, but used Rik as an important person this Christmas.. it helps