(no subject)

[kuangning]

"You make children, knowing that they'll someday die. You make friends, knowing that you'll someday lose them." - heronblue

It sounds so sad, doesn't it? It sounds like we're forever losing, and sometimes we are. We brush past each other, make contact for a little while, if we're lucky... and then some wind blows through our lives, we change inside ourselves, and we let go. Or we forget. Or we simply turn away... or we avoid the contact in the first place, and try to stay safe and inviolate that way.

She made me cry, because I was tearful anyway today and my littlest turned two very recently and I haven't seen him in months. I've missed almost a year of his life... and he's only lived two years. I wonder how I'm ever going to make it up to them, what I'm going to say to them, if I'm ever going to be able to explain why people have to leave sometimes, and sometimes I wonder why I had them at all, knowing they couldn't be with me always. I didn't expect separation so soon, but I knew it would come. And not just with them. Why care, why love, why commit yourself to anyone, when the only person who can be with you always is you?

Because that's the point. Not the losing, but the learning. The moment when you make the decision inside yourself to care and keep caring up to and past the point of separation is the moment that you've made the separation irrelevant. And then you get to take your mind off the loss and see the gains, see the people, and appreciate them more because you know you'll be without them someday. First smiles are sweet because there'll be a last smile. You cherish every hug because there'll be a day when they won't want to hug you or they can't hug you. You hold them close while you can, because you know that one day they're going to want you or need you to let go. And the minute you accept that and let them in anyway, your world gets just a little bigger, you become a little bit sadder but more than a little bit stronger. And you learn a little bit more about loving... and that's what living is.

Comments

big hug for you

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

I think that you could just as easily say that we make children knowing that we will fail in some way, and that we will let each of our friends down some way. The point is not perfection or constancy, but in the attempt, and, as you say, the learning.

I do not remember my mother as perfect. In fact, I can remember several screw-ups. But I remember her trying, and loving me, and I think that's the standard we should hold ourselves to. Trying, even with the knowledge that we'll get it wrong some of the time. Because we care enough to risk failure. Because we care enough to risk loss.

One of the first times I fell in love, I was at a conference, and I knew that I would probably never see the guy again. And I could tell that I trembled on the edge of falling for him. I did it anyway, and did not regret the pain, because it came with so much pleasure. He made me a tape. One of the songs was, I think, Michael W. Smith.
Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the lord of them
And a friend will not say never, because the welcome never ends.
Though it's hard to let you go, in the Father's hands I know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

(PS -- That's a Savage Garden song I've never heard of. ??? New album, or lucky find?)

*nod.*

[kuangning]

One of the first times I fell in love, I was at a conference, and I knew that I would probably never see the guy again. And I could tell that I trembled on the edge of falling for him. I did it anyway, and did not regret the pain, because it came with so much pleasure.

That was startling; I had a similar experience, same choice... but I took the safe route. I never did see him again - and I do regret not being braver.

And it's a lucky find, may be mislabeled, because I found it on audiogalaxy... but it's very pretty.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

In order to gain, one must also give; in order to feel loved one must love. It is a balance necessary in life; there is happiness and misery, one must give as well as take.

What were the words from Shadowlands? "The pain then is part of the happiness now." To fully appreciate life, one must understand that the losses accent the gains, make them greater.

[kuangning]

I like that wording; thank you. I'm finding that I don't respond often to you... and that feels wrong, but it's a matter of your comments being things which I read, and which hit home, but I don't know what to say to you except thank you, and that seems just inadequate. I hope you know, though, that I'm listening, and I appreciate your input.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

Always. I do the same...like the emotional bank accounts one, it hit home, I couldn't say anything but thank you. Thank you.

Thank you ...

[baxil.livejournal.com]

... That was beautiful. I feel inspired to have read it.

*offers you a hug*

*hugs back*

[kuangning]

Thank you. I had some fears, once... but they've been proven wrong. And you had more to do with that than you probably know.

[heronblue.livejournal.com]

I feel the need to point out... I didn't say that. I only reported it. My friend Sean said that, at his little brother's funeral. Sean is 19. Danny was 16.