(no subject)
Oct. 28th, 2002 10:02 pmBe glad of your current drama or difficulty, it is providing some much-needed colour and contrast. And I absolutely promise, you have nothing to fear from it.
How reassuring.
On a more serious note... yeah. I'm okay. More than okay, really... there's been silence. And I'm finding out I'm less invested in a response than I had believed. That's a good feeling, and something I needed to know.
I say about myself that I never got the hang of letting go. And to a large extent, it's true. I rehash things, replay them in my mind. Mention a name, and immediately, I get stuck in a moment or series of moments, unable to go back and change them, unable or unwilling to let go and banish them. (I wonder why I think letting go and moving on automatically involves never remembering again?)
But.
It's been an awfully long time since I was that girl. And I think I needed a brush with a memory this old, to show that, yes, life did go on. And so did I. I moved away. I got married. I changed my name, I had children, I lived through things and saw things and learned things... I even changed me. One of the side effects has been that I sat down and went through this journal, every entry, wondering what someone who knew me but didn't know me would see, what he would think. And while I still don't know that, I know what I see. I see where I was when I started this journal -- drifting, broken, a perennial victim. And I see where I made tiny steps toward becoming something else, more the person I wanted to be. I read my Toledo entries, and wondered who that woman was and where she came from -- drunk on beauty and freedom, determined on joy. I read my more recent entries, and I saw where she came from, because I watched myself regress at times, slip backwards a step or two into the helpless, passive girl. But I've also seen the decision to change, not just my surroundings, but my origins. I talked frankly and calmly to my father. I'm dealing with my mother as an adult. I've stood my ground even on things I always gave in on before. I've still got battles ahead, that's certain, but, you know? Right now, I know I'm equal to them.
All of that, without outside validation. And now I don't need the outside validation. My wants have changed -- no, that's not right. What I want hasn't changed, what I see as best-case scenario hasn't changed. My reasons for wanting it have. And that can't be a bad thing.
How reassuring.
On a more serious note... yeah. I'm okay. More than okay, really... there's been silence. And I'm finding out I'm less invested in a response than I had believed. That's a good feeling, and something I needed to know.
I say about myself that I never got the hang of letting go. And to a large extent, it's true. I rehash things, replay them in my mind. Mention a name, and immediately, I get stuck in a moment or series of moments, unable to go back and change them, unable or unwilling to let go and banish them. (I wonder why I think letting go and moving on automatically involves never remembering again?)
But.
It's been an awfully long time since I was that girl. And I think I needed a brush with a memory this old, to show that, yes, life did go on. And so did I. I moved away. I got married. I changed my name, I had children, I lived through things and saw things and learned things... I even changed me. One of the side effects has been that I sat down and went through this journal, every entry, wondering what someone who knew me but didn't know me would see, what he would think. And while I still don't know that, I know what I see. I see where I was when I started this journal -- drifting, broken, a perennial victim. And I see where I made tiny steps toward becoming something else, more the person I wanted to be. I read my Toledo entries, and wondered who that woman was and where she came from -- drunk on beauty and freedom, determined on joy. I read my more recent entries, and I saw where she came from, because I watched myself regress at times, slip backwards a step or two into the helpless, passive girl. But I've also seen the decision to change, not just my surroundings, but my origins. I talked frankly and calmly to my father. I'm dealing with my mother as an adult. I've stood my ground even on things I always gave in on before. I've still got battles ahead, that's certain, but, you know? Right now, I know I'm equal to them.
All of that, without outside validation. And now I don't need the outside validation. My wants have changed -- no, that's not right. What I want hasn't changed, what I see as best-case scenario hasn't changed. My reasons for wanting it have. And that can't be a bad thing.
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