(no subject)

[kuangning]

Be glad of your current drama or difficulty, it is providing some much-needed colour and contrast. And I absolutely promise, you have nothing to fear from it.

How reassuring.

On a more serious note... yeah. I'm okay. More than okay, really... there's been silence. And I'm finding out I'm less invested in a response than I had believed. That's a good feeling, and something I needed to know.

I say about myself that I never got the hang of letting go. And to a large extent, it's true. I rehash things, replay them in my mind. Mention a name, and immediately, I get stuck in a moment or series of moments, unable to go back and change them, unable or unwilling to let go and banish them. (I wonder why I think letting go and moving on automatically involves never remembering again?)

But.

It's been an awfully long time since I was that girl. And I think I needed a brush with a memory this old, to show that, yes, life did go on. And so did I. I moved away. I got married. I changed my name, I had children, I lived through things and saw things and learned things... I even changed me. One of the side effects has been that I sat down and went through this journal, every entry, wondering what someone who knew me but didn't know me would see, what he would think. And while I still don't know that, I know what I see. I see where I was when I started this journal -- drifting, broken, a perennial victim. And I see where I made tiny steps toward becoming something else, more the person I wanted to be. I read my Toledo entries, and wondered who that woman was and where she came from -- drunk on beauty and freedom, determined on joy. I read my more recent entries, and I saw where she came from, because I watched myself regress at times, slip backwards a step or two into the helpless, passive girl. But I've also seen the decision to change, not just my surroundings, but my origins. I talked frankly and calmly to my father. I'm dealing with my mother as an adult. I've stood my ground even on things I always gave in on before. I've still got battles ahead, that's certain, but, you know? Right now, I know I'm equal to them.

All of that, without outside validation. And now I don't need the outside validation. My wants have changed -- no, that's not right. What I want hasn't changed, what I see as best-case scenario hasn't changed. My reasons for wanting it have. And that can't be a bad thing.

Comments

[rustedlemon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
no, not a bad thing at all.
I'm proud to call you my friend.

[kuangning]

*hugs back.* Thank you for this. I'm pretty lucky in our friendship as well, you know. I think you're yet another gift to me from Ben, and definitely among the most valuable. :)

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

And the winds of change will wash over you
They will hurt and they will heal
And in the end you will be different
Stonger, more certain,
Broken, confused,
Lost and frightened,
Home and safe,
The winds of change will alter you
But you will find some things never change.
For all you have lost, something is found - in the end, somehow, you're the same.

[kuangning]

*hugs.* You've got The Boxer playng in my mind again now. :) o/~ now the years are rolling by me, they are rocking evenly, and I am older than I once was, younger than I'll be; that's not unusual. Nor is it strange: after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same... after changes, we are more or less the same. o/~

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Yes, that is one part of The Boxer I only learned long after I first heard it....I first heard it without that verse.

But that is the most important line, no?

Re:

[kuangning]

I certainly think so. :)

[katster.livejournal.com]

That's my favourite verse.

It's too bad they cut it out in the original. :( I'm the Paul Simon fangirl, but that was one of his mistakes... :)

Anyway, glad to hear you're doing better. Now if I can just figure out what I'm doing...

-kat

Re:

[kuangning]

You will. :) *hugs.* And I never hear that verse or think of that verse without thinking of you, you know. You introduced me to it. In case I haven't thanked you yet... thank you. :)

[powerpynt.livejournal.com]

Try not to second guess silence. It could mean little more than vacation or absence from hyperspace as I've found out myself on a few occassions. Projecting it's cause has only led me to spend time that I might have used in some other fashion, like laughing or telling sad stories. And God knows, the world need sad stories and giggles more than impatient projections:)

[kuangning]

Heh. I know that he hasn't yet seen the message I sent. So no, no second-guessing. Just realising that whatever happens, I'm okay and will keep on being okay. :)

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

Then you already have your answer.
A response is just a response, an answer lies within.
You know which matters more.

[kuangning]

*hugs.* Yes. I want to thank you again for your part in this, both in standing aside until my decision was made (because I needed to take the chance) and in helping me to re-examine my own motivations. Perhaps I shouldn't have needed anyone to stand in and voice the possibilities from his point of view, but I did, and having your input made a real difference. Not least because I can consider that input dispassionately from you, and I'm not at all certain I'd have been able to separate past from present well enough to listen and hear it from him.