(no subject)

Sometimes I'm more blind than I have any right to be.

I just went through approximately a week of being nothing like my better or usual self. The depression, unfortunately, is all too frequent with me. Anger at everything and nothing isn't. Being filled with loathing at the very thought of couples-anything definitely isn't. I wandered around wanting contact and freezing out anyone who tried to get closer to me than a comment in this journal. Move on, move past, don't slow down, don't stop. And I couldn't figure out why, which didn't make me any happier. A dream is not a reason to crash. Besides, it started before that.

Logan's birthday was the twelfth.
Ari's is the twenty-third.

Part of it? Hell yeah. But it didn't explain all of it, not by a long shot.

And then I got reminded of another "anniversary." And suddenly I'm very very happy that I haven't been worse than I've been. And more determined than ever that this roller-coaster is going to stop soon.

• I have the job. Ninety days to health insurance.
  
• I'll need my license.
  
• I'll need a car.
  
• I need a place of my own, preferably near work. It's impossible to save here.
  
• I'll need at least the basic furniture and appliances, preferably used, definitely sturdy. Logan is rough on furniture. *wrysmile.*
  
• I need a new wardrobe. I wish I could get around that, but I can't, not and still be presentable at work. At least two more skirts, two pair of slacks, and a few blouses. I can forgo another jacket, since the one I have is a perfectly nice black one.
  

I think I can manage most of this by the end of the year. Even if the place of my own is just a room or something for a few months -- it's not like I'm intending to settle forever in North Carolina.

For less obvious but just as important reasons that I haven't really talked about here... I have to do this on my own. I know what I want, and more than that, I know how I want it to happen. I will not lean. I will not be rescued. I am not running to anyone. There are dreams riding on this that I couldn't begin to explain. I've gotten what I needed, almost always. Even when I didn't know it until afterwards, even when it hurt to take the medicine. Just enough happiness to make me want more, I said, and that was true. A day here, an evening there, of more real joy than most people know exists, let alone dream of having. Enough to keep me going. Preparation for this -- and this is what's going to count.