(no subject)
May. 7th, 2002 08:13 pm"I just want to make things as easy as I can. I can bite my tongue on things my whole life if thats what it takes, but I really just want to see him happy and help make him happy." (unaccredited because the entry was friends-only.)
I once said something very like that - almost prophetic, I suppose. I told a friend that I'd almost be willing to give up everything if only I could have a chance to be with someone. I got the chance - and lost everything.
How do you know when you've crossed the line between loving and supporting, and taking on the responsibility for something you can't control?
We'll say it one more time: you can't make each other happy. No matter how much you want to. And if it goes beyond wanting to needing, then... run. Until you've gotten to some space where you can put your back up against the wall and face the fact that ignoring your own needs and rights and wants in favour of somebody else's isn't really something you want to do for the rest of your life. And someone who'd let you doesn't truly love you.
you don't strike me as a gentle person.
I'm not. First and foremost, I'm a strong person. And that means I'm gentle when I can be, when I want to be... but that I'm not going to sacrifice strength for being liked. Being gentle pleases me, because it pleases me to see the people I care about respond to it. But when I come home at night, it's my own thoughts in the darkness, my own fears and needs I have to face - and meet. I'm not doing anyone any favours by pretending that isn't so.
that's not helpful or nurturing.
It isn't my job to nurture a partner. Nurturing is for my children, who need my care and my help to become self-sufficient. A partner gets my support, my love, my presence, but not nurturing. I'd be insulting them to imply that they need it, and I count it an insult when someone assumes I need it from them. Be with me, listen to me, stand by me, but understand that if you don't, my life isn't over. I won't crumble because you walk away. Even if you feel you've failed me, I don't feel that you have because I am not your job. I am not your responsibility. I am not your burden to bear. And you are not mine. I will never again stay just because I am needed. Because obligation is no substitute for love.
There is no love without respect. There's no real love without trust, either, and that only comes from taking each other's measure, plainly and honestly, and knowing that you're both emotional adults, in charge of your own lives, responsible for dealing with your own needs - and then standing by each other to face the things that come with a relationship.
That said - I think that true fifty-fifty isn't possible in any relationship. Sometimes we're weaker than other times. And I'm not ruling out being comforting, soothing each other - that's part and parcel of being in a relationship. But if it isn't equal opportunity to be sixty-forty, if someone always has to be catered to, then it simply won't work.
I've been the weak one in most of my relationships. One of the things, though, about going through the worst that you could imagine, is that you come out the other side with nothing left to be afraid of. This last year, I have been without my kids. I lost my job, I lost my apartment, I lost my own ability to regulate how I felt and how I reacted to what I felt. I was beaten, I was robbed, and I was alone. I've spent nights on the streets with no place to go, I've seen the inside of the psych wards, I've spent months in one shelter after another. I survived all of it. I can't think of a single good reason to settle for a co-dependent relationship, complete with constant anxiety, jealousy, and feeling abandoned and inadequate, when I know that I'm strong enough to be alone and be just fine until I find someone equally strong who shares my values and my dreams.
(Upon advice, I'm reallowing comments. But - this is not a rant. This is not a cry for pity. This is not needing or wanting *hugs* or praise or sympathy. This is simply getting my thoughts and beliefs out where I can see them.)
I once said something very like that - almost prophetic, I suppose. I told a friend that I'd almost be willing to give up everything if only I could have a chance to be with someone. I got the chance - and lost everything.
How do you know when you've crossed the line between loving and supporting, and taking on the responsibility for something you can't control?
We'll say it one more time: you can't make each other happy. No matter how much you want to. And if it goes beyond wanting to needing, then... run. Until you've gotten to some space where you can put your back up against the wall and face the fact that ignoring your own needs and rights and wants in favour of somebody else's isn't really something you want to do for the rest of your life. And someone who'd let you doesn't truly love you.
you don't strike me as a gentle person.
I'm not. First and foremost, I'm a strong person. And that means I'm gentle when I can be, when I want to be... but that I'm not going to sacrifice strength for being liked. Being gentle pleases me, because it pleases me to see the people I care about respond to it. But when I come home at night, it's my own thoughts in the darkness, my own fears and needs I have to face - and meet. I'm not doing anyone any favours by pretending that isn't so.
that's not helpful or nurturing.
It isn't my job to nurture a partner. Nurturing is for my children, who need my care and my help to become self-sufficient. A partner gets my support, my love, my presence, but not nurturing. I'd be insulting them to imply that they need it, and I count it an insult when someone assumes I need it from them. Be with me, listen to me, stand by me, but understand that if you don't, my life isn't over. I won't crumble because you walk away. Even if you feel you've failed me, I don't feel that you have because I am not your job. I am not your responsibility. I am not your burden to bear. And you are not mine. I will never again stay just because I am needed. Because obligation is no substitute for love.
There is no love without respect. There's no real love without trust, either, and that only comes from taking each other's measure, plainly and honestly, and knowing that you're both emotional adults, in charge of your own lives, responsible for dealing with your own needs - and then standing by each other to face the things that come with a relationship.
That said - I think that true fifty-fifty isn't possible in any relationship. Sometimes we're weaker than other times. And I'm not ruling out being comforting, soothing each other - that's part and parcel of being in a relationship. But if it isn't equal opportunity to be sixty-forty, if someone always has to be catered to, then it simply won't work.
I've been the weak one in most of my relationships. One of the things, though, about going through the worst that you could imagine, is that you come out the other side with nothing left to be afraid of. This last year, I have been without my kids. I lost my job, I lost my apartment, I lost my own ability to regulate how I felt and how I reacted to what I felt. I was beaten, I was robbed, and I was alone. I've spent nights on the streets with no place to go, I've seen the inside of the psych wards, I've spent months in one shelter after another. I survived all of it. I can't think of a single good reason to settle for a co-dependent relationship, complete with constant anxiety, jealousy, and feeling abandoned and inadequate, when I know that I'm strong enough to be alone and be just fine until I find someone equally strong who shares my values and my dreams.
(Upon advice, I'm reallowing comments. But - this is not a rant. This is not a cry for pity. This is not needing or wanting *hugs* or praise or sympathy. This is simply getting my thoughts and beliefs out where I can see them.)
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