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wiredferret.
Mar. 25th, 2002 05:59 pmSo how much does sex weigh to you? What does it mean? What are you scared of?
I know I've gone here before, but not often or lately, so...
It's both incredibly heavy and unbelievably meaningless. I can go without it and never miss it, for long periods of time. Usually, when I'm not involved with someone, sex doesn't cross my mind in any way but the abstract. I'll even feel a little distaste at the thought sometimes. I say usually, because I do have one or two triggers that can instantly flip the switch on lust. But that won't be acted on or even disclosed unless I'm close to someone, because for me, sex can't be divorced from caring. I won't give my body to someone unless I've given my heart first; it's that simple.
That said... within that framework, "sex" doesn't mean "relationship" to me. I'm perfectly capable of having sex, once or many times, with someone who's dear to me, and not taking it for granted that there's anything there but sex and friendship. That means you can't take me to bed and expect me to infer commitment. Sex doesn't equal love, doesn't command loyalty, and might be comfort, but isn't reassurance. It doesn't make problems go away, complicates more than it simplifies, and is only a start... it won't stand alone.
And all of that... brings us to what I'm afraid of. The misunderstandings that sex can usher in, when my partner doesn't use the same emotional scale I do. When he thinks sex is the panacea for all problems in a relationship, and tries to substitute it for some or all of those things a relationship can starve to death without. I'm afraid of letting someone that close to me and then finding out they think sex is the water you add to two people to get insta-perfection; roses and fireworks and bells and whistles all in one neat little bundle - just add friction.
Nothing about sex itself scares me. I've tried, not everything, but a great deal, and I'm prolly gonna try more before I'm done. I know what feels good and what doesn't, and I'm not afraid to ask. I used to have a huge complex about my stretch marks; I'm not sure where that went, but go it did. I never was the type to really demand that the lights be put out first, and I'm still not. I can't remember ever feeling inadequate sexually. All my hangups come in after the fact.
I know I've gone here before, but not often or lately, so...
It's both incredibly heavy and unbelievably meaningless. I can go without it and never miss it, for long periods of time. Usually, when I'm not involved with someone, sex doesn't cross my mind in any way but the abstract. I'll even feel a little distaste at the thought sometimes. I say usually, because I do have one or two triggers that can instantly flip the switch on lust. But that won't be acted on or even disclosed unless I'm close to someone, because for me, sex can't be divorced from caring. I won't give my body to someone unless I've given my heart first; it's that simple.
That said... within that framework, "sex" doesn't mean "relationship" to me. I'm perfectly capable of having sex, once or many times, with someone who's dear to me, and not taking it for granted that there's anything there but sex and friendship. That means you can't take me to bed and expect me to infer commitment. Sex doesn't equal love, doesn't command loyalty, and might be comfort, but isn't reassurance. It doesn't make problems go away, complicates more than it simplifies, and is only a start... it won't stand alone.
And all of that... brings us to what I'm afraid of. The misunderstandings that sex can usher in, when my partner doesn't use the same emotional scale I do. When he thinks sex is the panacea for all problems in a relationship, and tries to substitute it for some or all of those things a relationship can starve to death without. I'm afraid of letting someone that close to me and then finding out they think sex is the water you add to two people to get insta-perfection; roses and fireworks and bells and whistles all in one neat little bundle - just add friction.
Nothing about sex itself scares me. I've tried, not everything, but a great deal, and I'm prolly gonna try more before I'm done. I know what feels good and what doesn't, and I'm not afraid to ask. I used to have a huge complex about my stretch marks; I'm not sure where that went, but go it did. I never was the type to really demand that the lights be put out first, and I'm still not. I can't remember ever feeling inadequate sexually. All my hangups come in after the fact.
