iSfJ - Analysis of an Attempted Suicide.
Aug. 21st, 2001 03:59 amIt's been, despite it all, a good night. Perhaps I just need to make a habit of not rising in the daytime... more and more, I'm noticing that nights are my best times, in regards to my moods.
I've had time, and support, to work out some central issues tonight, or at least to begin on them. I took the Myers-Briggs test a couple of nights ago, and let it sit awhile... there's been simply too much else going on, for me to give it the thought it deserved. But I got a chance to look and discuss my results tonight. They gave me, not new insights, per se, but foundations for things I already felt.
Almost the first thing that stood out in the analysis, was that ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." I've had that brought home to me this last week... despite the rest of this mess, mood swings and difficulties aside, I have not been overall happier than I am right now, in months. Because I have not felt like a necessary part of anything in months.
With my children gone, I lost my anchor. And, relationship aside, I have been in a situation where I felt -- correctly -- that I was a drain on someone's resources. Many people's resources. And the more I felt that way, the more depressed I became, and the bigger an energy-sink I became. A lovely little feedback loop.
Add to this the other effects of severe depression, and knowing I was depressed... I got to the point where I would not voluntarily leave the house alone, where doing so brought on something that approached a panic attack. I no longer trusted the way my brain worked, I didn't trust my own judgement in the new environment, and I was too scared to learn. Which left me more dependent on my new guides. And further undermined my self-esteem.
In addition to this, add the following:
While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection.
My SO at the time was undoubtedly undergoing a great deal of stress, on several fronts. My dependence was almost crippling, my mood swings were baffling, and led to erratic, non-endearing behaviours. His normal response to stress is to go away for awhile and rejuvenate. With us in such close quarters, that was impossible. And, with each attempt he made to gain space for himself, I fell further into "I'm not needed here; things would be better for everyone if I were gone."
This, by itself, would have been a recipe for disaster. But there was one more thing that assured that the feedback loop would not be broken... a breakdown in communication between myself and the rest of the world. Every member of it. The ISFJ response to hurt is to coil in around it, and I am no different. Asking for help is a further demonstration of my uselessness, and while I am normally a rather verbal person, that does not extend to the things that hurt most. Those have to be processed and distance from them gained before I can discuss them. His queries as to what was wrong gained him the standard, reflexive, "Nothing, I'm all right." And because the hurt never lessened to the point where I could process it, it was never discussed fully.
On Wednesday, July 11, 2001, this story reached its inevitable conclusion, and I was hospitalized following an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Life since then has been a strange amalgam of questions and hurts, doubts and losses, but now, gains and triumphs also. One of the hardest questions I have had to face has been "why?" from my friends, from my counselors, and from myself.
I will never completely understand, or be able to voice fully, why there came a time when I wanted so badly to die. This entry is probably as close as I will ever come. I hope that it will be enough, that it will bring closure... because what I do know is that my need now is for hope for the future, built on acceptance of the past.
This chapter of my life is now closed.
I've had time, and support, to work out some central issues tonight, or at least to begin on them. I took the Myers-Briggs test a couple of nights ago, and let it sit awhile... there's been simply too much else going on, for me to give it the thought it deserved. But I got a chance to look and discuss my results tonight. They gave me, not new insights, per se, but foundations for things I already felt.
Almost the first thing that stood out in the analysis, was that ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." I've had that brought home to me this last week... despite the rest of this mess, mood swings and difficulties aside, I have not been overall happier than I am right now, in months. Because I have not felt like a necessary part of anything in months.
With my children gone, I lost my anchor. And, relationship aside, I have been in a situation where I felt -- correctly -- that I was a drain on someone's resources. Many people's resources. And the more I felt that way, the more depressed I became, and the bigger an energy-sink I became. A lovely little feedback loop.
Add to this the other effects of severe depression, and knowing I was depressed... I got to the point where I would not voluntarily leave the house alone, where doing so brought on something that approached a panic attack. I no longer trusted the way my brain worked, I didn't trust my own judgement in the new environment, and I was too scared to learn. Which left me more dependent on my new guides. And further undermined my self-esteem.
In addition to this, add the following:
While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection.
My SO at the time was undoubtedly undergoing a great deal of stress, on several fronts. My dependence was almost crippling, my mood swings were baffling, and led to erratic, non-endearing behaviours. His normal response to stress is to go away for awhile and rejuvenate. With us in such close quarters, that was impossible. And, with each attempt he made to gain space for himself, I fell further into "I'm not needed here; things would be better for everyone if I were gone."
This, by itself, would have been a recipe for disaster. But there was one more thing that assured that the feedback loop would not be broken... a breakdown in communication between myself and the rest of the world. Every member of it. The ISFJ response to hurt is to coil in around it, and I am no different. Asking for help is a further demonstration of my uselessness, and while I am normally a rather verbal person, that does not extend to the things that hurt most. Those have to be processed and distance from them gained before I can discuss them. His queries as to what was wrong gained him the standard, reflexive, "Nothing, I'm all right." And because the hurt never lessened to the point where I could process it, it was never discussed fully.
On Wednesday, July 11, 2001, this story reached its inevitable conclusion, and I was hospitalized following an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Life since then has been a strange amalgam of questions and hurts, doubts and losses, but now, gains and triumphs also. One of the hardest questions I have had to face has been "why?" from my friends, from my counselors, and from myself.
I will never completely understand, or be able to voice fully, why there came a time when I wanted so badly to die. This entry is probably as close as I will ever come. I hope that it will be enough, that it will bring closure... because what I do know is that my need now is for hope for the future, built on acceptance of the past.
This chapter of my life is now closed.
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