Don't Thank Me...

I received something unexpected and truly sweet tonight... something sweeter for having been unlooked-for. It was a thank-you from a friend of friends, for things I've done for them.

I feel a little guilty, oddly enough. Not that I didn't want to help them; I did, and do. Zibblsnrt is a cornerstone of my life, and katster has become, very quickly, almost as dear to me. They're two of the brightest spirits and the gentlest hearts I have ever had the honour to know.

But what I've done, really, is reached out for magic I didn't have myself. I've talked to strangers these last couple of days, and also to strangers who shouldn't be strangers... friends who should have been closer. Not for altruism... for the joy that came of making a difference, for watching things get better. Because it was a way of keeping my own head above water.

I've done more crying in these last months than at any time since my thirteenth year.. the year I lost Kelly. I have a few special people to thank, for not letting me fall entirely. Charles, for being my mint friend, the rock I can turn to, safe in the knowledge that my trials won't send him into a spin. Tropism, for reasons too numerous to list, but mostly for holding on as long as he did. Lonita, for her knack of bringing me out of myself in more ways than she knows, with something lovely or funny or simply novel. Primis, for shocking me with the level of caring and loyalty he shows me. Yushion, for being what I hope my daughter will one day be, bright and lovely.

Be that as it may, though... I haven't always been enough. And so I've turned outward, to fill that void in me. To be thanked for that... seems wrong to me. I owe these people, and many others, more than I can hope to repay. Ensuring their well-being isn't anything but ensuring my own, as well.