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Nov. 14th, 2002 01:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningI'm losing the battle with insomnia. The one with worry is at best a stalemate. And creativity went out the window much earlier this morning -- the sea of words is wonderful, but the tide is definitely out now.
Which leaves one tired Cairsten with too much time to wonder about stupid shit. Like, how much is too much, and how many times do you get your hand slapped before you learn not to extend it any more. Stupid shit because it changes nothing. No matter what I decide right now, the reality is, I will keep trying. I will keep trying until I succeed or until I'm simply too broken to try again -- and then I will take the time to heal and I will try again. Right now, that thought is no comfort at all.
Sometimes I get sick of being strong and resilient.
Don't take me for granted. Just because I will always goddamned well be there if I can doesn't mean it's okay to shove me aside the rest of the time. Just because I always get over it doesn't mean it's okay to put me through it in the first place. Just because I always survive doesn't mean you or anybody else has the right to make surviving hell. I absolutely fucking refuse to put up with that. Yeah, you might be the one I always forgive, but I'll bet you that one day I'll wise up. And even if I don't, even if I never figure out how to forget, you can put your last dollar on the fact that I can do without you. It's the flip side of the same fucking coin, you know? Strong enough to take it and take it and take it and still smile sweetly means you won't see a single tear fall when I finally have enough and move on. In that, you're just like all the rest. Be warned.
Which leaves one tired Cairsten with too much time to wonder about stupid shit. Like, how much is too much, and how many times do you get your hand slapped before you learn not to extend it any more. Stupid shit because it changes nothing. No matter what I decide right now, the reality is, I will keep trying. I will keep trying until I succeed or until I'm simply too broken to try again -- and then I will take the time to heal and I will try again. Right now, that thought is no comfort at all.
Sometimes I get sick of being strong and resilient.
Don't take me for granted. Just because I will always goddamned well be there if I can doesn't mean it's okay to shove me aside the rest of the time. Just because I always get over it doesn't mean it's okay to put me through it in the first place. Just because I always survive doesn't mean you or anybody else has the right to make surviving hell. I absolutely fucking refuse to put up with that. Yeah, you might be the one I always forgive, but I'll bet you that one day I'll wise up. And even if I don't, even if I never figure out how to forget, you can put your last dollar on the fact that I can do without you. It's the flip side of the same fucking coin, you know? Strong enough to take it and take it and take it and still smile sweetly means you won't see a single tear fall when I finally have enough and move on. In that, you're just like all the rest. Be warned.
