(no subject)

[kuangning]

So much to say tonight, and still so little that seems to need vocalising.

I want to whisper, so won't you bear with me? Some things can't bear the weight of voices; they have to be pronounced softly. They have to be allowed to drift, and if your ears do not quite catch them, then all the better, it gives your heart a chance to catch the message before ears and mind steal it away. Can I bypass your mind tonight? Entirely? Will you change the permissions for me, just for tonight, and give me a corner of your soul to scribble upon? I promise that it will be the truth, as completely as I know it, because indelible marks should be absolute truth.

I watch you, you know. I watch you, struggling to be brave, to be true to yourself and to everyone else, to press the boundaries, to not hold back. So frantic to tell it all, to do it all, to taste it all -- "what are your goals?" "where do you want to be?" "what are you going to do, how will you pass the time?" I ache, sometimes, watching you. Stretching yourself... reaching. And I love you for it. I love you for your struggles, for your triumphs, for even your failures, because you are so earnest and so very strong. For what is in you, for what you take for granted, for what you never notice as well as for what you hold dear. For your holding on.

I wonder... if you really know that it's okay to let go. I wonder if I ever told you. It's okay to let go. You, on the edge of horror... it is okay to scream. It will not make you less, no-one can say you have not earned it. You, with those tears locked inside... it is okay to cry. You have my permission, if permission is needed, to loosen your grip, to stumble, even ... yes, even to fall.

There's a cool breeze blowing tonight, and I will sleep, when I sleep, with the windows open. I will not want to be confined; my thoughts will be with you even after this window is closed. If you listen, tonight I will be the voice on the wind. The message will be unchanged.

You are precious to me. And you have my permission to let go.

Comments

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

That is exquisitly beautiful.

[kuangning]

Thank you, Ken.

[jezredfern.livejournal.com]

Saw this through my friendsfriends page, and just had to let you know that I love it.

-Jez

[kuangning]

Thank you.

[anyla.livejournal.com]

Thank you, that was wonderful.

[kuangning]

I am glad you enjoyed it.

[thebahboo.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I read the things you write and I pretend that they are meant for me. Just for me, in some secret way, to carry into those darkened places that still exist so powerfully in my soul.

I carried this to the others. The ones who never speak, who are afraid of the outside world and the light. And to you I bring their thanks. For sharing this with all of us, and with them, no matter who it was written for.

Much love,
Mandy

[kuangning]

They are written for you. I will not say they are only for you, but they are definitely for you.

[sirencall.livejournal.com]

wonderful.. beautiful.. this was great to read. Thank you for sharing.

[kuangning]

You are most welcome. I'm often enough awed by your entries to take this as a high compliment.

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

Oh my gawd. That was amazing. I felt like you wrote it just to me and I'm sure everyone else who reads it will feel exactly the same. It's unbelievably powerful.

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

Would you mind if I link to this in my journal? And save a copy for myself?

[kuangning]

No, I don't mind. It was written for you, among others.

Re:

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

I copied it and sent it to a bunch of my friends - telling them about you, how young you are to have so much wisdom, and how beautifully you write -- although frankly, they didn't need me to say so once they read what you wrote here. Thank you again, Cairsten.

[onezen.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, you have revealed a hidden talent! What beautiful thoughts you have jotted down for me to drift off to sleep with. In the morning, will they still be here?

I'll open my eyes slowly...

[kuangning]

*smiles.* They will still be here. They may be faded, though, in the sunlight... words, like stars, seem to glimmer most brightly at night, and to be easier to forget when daytime and everyday concerns come back.

[onezen.livejournal.com]

I've always preferred the night. Whatever light falls from the sky is softer, more forgiving.

Re:

[kuangning]

Some would say "deceptive", you know. :) Whether you subscribe to that or not, it is certainly transient.

[onezen.livejournal.com]

Nahhh, just 'softening'. I've always had a thing about eating in restraunts in broad daylight...they seem so cold, harsh. Not that I dine out that frequently....

[kaolinfire.livejournal.com]

:melts:

[kuangning]

*hugs.*

[ziactrice.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

(That is all I think I can say, right now.)

[kuangning]

You are most welcome.

[rare.livejournal.com]

Whenever you get pensive or provoking, you always take my breath away. I'm still not sure how you find me, but I'm glad you did. I want to write more like you. Lately all I write about is the frustration or angst that seems to permeate anything I dweel on. Time for new goals.

Re:

[kuangning]

Thank you. You were a random find before I got disgusted with the random journal feature... I haven't regretted finding you, either. I am not always pensive or provoking, and you have your own ways of taking my breath away -- you have a definite voice and style of your own. Don't change that for anyone.

[virtual256.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I will treasure it and use it.

permission to cry is a wonder indeed.

[kuangning]

I never said -- and I should have. Thank you for this. *hugs.*

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

I'm going to send this to a few friends who need to hear this. They try to trust me to listen, but often feel they must hold back.

And I must say, it is something I need myself. You left me in tears and amazed, as you often do... You have a beautiful soul, Cairsten, and thank you for opening it to the rest of us out here.

May you feel and hear that same wind, Cairsten. May the touch of the breeze tell you that you are surrounded by caring and love, and by whispers and listeners. May your heart be broken in joy and gentleness. We, too, are here, waiting on the wind.