(no subject)

[kuangning]

... sometimes, I look around and I wonder where the hell I fit. Because it isn't the places where I thought I fit anymore.


It's not my idea of fun anymore to sit and watch a verbal gang rape. I remember the motivations -- I remember the feelings of superiority, of vindication. Because the target was wrong and we were doing our part to protect the world from idiocy, right? We were the elite, the best and brightest, the ones who saw clearly, and the target was inferior and thus undeserving of respect, or pity. We took aim with words, we used them like knives, and we congratulated each other on our accuracy and the obvious and the unobserved but assumed damage. Clean strokes counted, critical hits were acclaimed. We were sharks in a feeding frenzy, and each new hint of blood in the water drew renewed attacks.

And if you aren't a shark, if you don't enjoy the hunt, then you are inferior. And if you say you don't agree, then you become the next target. Well-intentioned, of course, because now you are wrong, and must be set right. With the same definition of "right" that every group uses -- agreement with the group.

I'm tired. I'm shaky and nauseous and I know that someone who ignored the warning is furious with me right now and wondering, "well, if you don't like it, if you think we're so horrible, then why don't you just leave?" And no matter how much I say that I don't think you're horrible, it's not going to make a difference. So... why don't I leave? I dunno. Because I'm still trying to hold on. I'm trying to both not lose anything more and be more of who I need to be. Right this second, it's not working. Tomorrow may be different. But, fuck, I hope not. I hope I never again think it's okay for a group to rip someone to shreds for no better reason than boredom or because we can.

Comments

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Years ago I was shocked to find myself the victim of what you call "verbal gang rape." I learned how to walk away from the scene of the crime. I learned that what had just happened was merely a reflection of the "herd mentality" of the instigators, it really had very little to do with me. One of the gang members attacked me for using the word "compassion" too often and sounding like a Hallmark card. The rest were being even more idiotic. But most of all, they were bullies, plain and simple. Power and superiority were clearly their issues, not mine. And the best way to deal with bullies is to ignore them, thereby rendering them powerless. So I did. I just couldn't be bothered. Who needs it?

If you feel guilty or remorseful about being part of an online gang, I'm sure you can learn how to walk away as well.

[kuangning]

At the risk of sounding absolutely horrid... I'm not feeling guilty or remorseful in the way I think you meant it. At the time, I was doing the best I knew how. I acted -- and they're acting -- according to what we thought was right. I just don't feel anymore that it is right, and I suppose I'm wishing I could get them to see it my way. *wrysmile* The targets generally aren't randomly selected; they've done or said something that offends one or all of the group -- it's what happens after the first person draws blood that I don't agree with now. Difference of degree, or something...

Re:

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

OK, you're talking about the past. I'm just wondering how long ago in the past and what may have caused you to feel that this isn't right any more. Why the change of heart?

I wasn't randomly selected, either. I simply wasn't part of this bloodthirsty group. My mistake was in befriending some of them and having one of them turn on me because of a misunderstanding. Or because she was delusional, or both. When it was obvious that I couldn't be her friend, she and the others attacked me. And so I was simply outathere.

[kuangning]

I don't know, really. I mean, this is the first time I've seen my group do something along these lines in awhile. And I do think some of the lines used were funny and well-done, and I don't think I'd have blinked if it were just a one-on-one argument. In fact, I'm almost certain I wouldn't have. I would have laughed at the other guy's inability to compose a fitting response, his lack of creativity, etc, etc. I just know that watching as several people buried him under verbal attacks did nothing for me.

Re:

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

It seems you're talking more about intellectual snobbishness than simply rude, vulgar, and downright irrational attacks on someone's basic persona. Although I never had patience for the former, I have even less tolerance for the latter.

Re:

[kuangning]

*nods.* The arguments weren't personal in nature... in fact, he was the one throwing slurs and vulgarities. I seriously doubt that they did anything but hurt his pride, it's not like they reduced him to tears -- it's the group dynamic that bothers me.

Re:

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I get it now. Either way, that group dynamic can be overbearing and excessive.

[mrfnord.livejournal.com]

Sucks to learn things about people, doesn't it?

For my part -- and this is entirely my doing -- I am an evil bastard who does these things solely for their entertainment value. I've *always* done these things off and on since I hit the internet way back in the dawn ages.

I've never made any real excuse for it, although I don't mention it much. But then, I don't naturally mention *anything* much, so there's no reason you would've known about it. For that, I do apologize.

As for the rest... hell. I don't know the how or why anymore, only that every so often I go off on a tear and drag a bunch of the others with me, and that it always ends with us feeling like complete assholes when the mania fades.

consider this a halfassed explanation, or maybe a place to focus your anger. either way will do

[kuangning]

I'm not angry, and haven't been angry. And it isn't all your doing -- simple as it might be to pile it all on you, the others are going to have to stand on their own in this.

I dunno, really, how to say this. I've taken part in enough of these and started a few, and I haven't got any room to be self-righteous or even righteously angry. Maybe that's why I just feel tired. It wasn't pretty. And coming from people I respect and like and generally think the world of, it's less so. And I'm having a bad night anyway. I'll get over the bad night, and maybe then I'll be coherent.

[mrfnord.livejournal.com]

No, but I started it, which gives me a greater degree of responsibility than the others. Thus, I shoulder the burden of the guilt.

[anjori.livejournal.com]

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your words here (http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=anjori&itemid=19575). I know we've never actually talked before and I'm not sure what sparked enough interested for you to add me to your friends list, but it would be cool if I got to know you. :)

[kuangning]

You're a friend of a friend of a very good friend... isn't that enough? *wrysmile.* Something you posted caught my attention -- that's the only reason anyone winds up on my friends list. Beyond that, it's a case of hoping things work out for the best for you. You've been added to my allow list on AIM now, feel free to look in whenever you feel like it.

[anjori.livejournal.com]

Nice to meet you.

What post was it that caught your attention? And who's this friend of a friend? By the way, in an attempt to say "hi" on AIM, I realized I don't even have your screen name. So, if you want to talk on there some time you can find my screen name in my userinfo as it's viewable to those on my friends list.

Re:

[kuangning]

And those who aren't. :) Sorry about that -- I had forgotten that I removed the AIM contact info. The rest, I'll answer there... switching to IM now.

[thebahboo.livejournal.com]

Ok, hon, I have no idea what this is all about, and really it is not my bidness, but I had to chime in with something similiar I find myself doing which I think sucks in a similiar way.

My one group of friends, hates someone from another group of people I am only sort of friends with.

They tear this girl to ribbons verbally, and they are so nasty you could not believe it. They have created nicknames for her that would make you croke. But I always wind up joining in, no matter how rotten it is, or how much I am ashamed of it later.

And...I have a twisted sense of humor. I mean, I was successful once at improv comedy before I gave up my career in the arts. Some of the most biting and nasty nicknames...are things I came up with. On the spot, in the middle of the moment...just to watch everyone laugh.

If she ever heard these nicknames, or knew I was the one who came up with them...it would hurt her so much.

So, why the fuck do I do this? I just don't get it.

Sorry to jump in here with my confessional, but sometimes you just get me better than I get me and have insights and this all sounded too familiar to how I feel sometimes.

Hugs, Bahboo

why?

[kuangning]

You said it yourself... just to make everyone laugh. Because right then the approval of the group matters more than her feelings, and it's such a small and easy thing to do, and she'll never know, so whom are you hurting?

I think, actually, that this issue is where you came in, the first comment you ever made to me. It's something we promised to work on, remember? I'm trying. I know you are, too. *hugs.*

[doingtimein419.livejournal.com]

i'm a member of the "mean bastard" club. but someone brought it to my attention about a month ago or so. the words "shallow" and "immature" were tossed about, not directly at me. but, close enough. i've been toning it down ever since and it's hard. i did it for about the same reasons, i don't usually fit in too well, and it makes people laugh.

i am proud though, lately the only time i couldn't help myself was with "man-maries". which is fairly lame, but a bit funny by itself. and wasn't directed outside my circle of friends.

[gurath.livejournal.com]

One definitely has to mature beyond the jr. high mentality to make real friends and have real relationships on-line... also to ignore those who haven't matured like that yet. Sometimes the net is more like a sandbox than even a schoolyard. It seems like it's a rare group of people that can have friendly, grown up conversation for any length of time on the internet.

To me, once people start acting hurtful or rude, I cease to care about them and their words cannot hurt in the slightest. *shrug*

[lothie.livejournal.com]

God, I SO hear you. *sigh*