(no subject)

[kuangning]

I don't want to be soothed. I don't want to be lulled. I don't want the edges taken off. Not off my pain, not off my joy, not off my certainties or my doubts. I want, and I want it all.

Don't filter it for me. Don't sweeten it, don't add the grain of salt that masks the mental taste of you. Don't take away the words that would cut, nor the ones that would throw me into that space where my world ceases to be what I thought it was. Don't bite back the ones that would make me crave, the ones you think will make me lonely. Don't shield me. Don't offer me courtesies, when what I need is the reassurance that you're real. That even in this space filled with illusions, this no-man's-land where dreams masquerade as bedrock truth, there's still bedrock truth. I'm drowning in uncertainties. I'm burning with questions, with the need to shut out the maybes and turn my back on proscribed safety and if the rocks cut my feet then at least I'll have had the chance to run on the sand as well.

... and still, I'm hiding too. Ingrained caution, deep-rooted habit. I can say here what I dare not say there.

Wasted words? Not with your help. Tell me - what's your bedrock truth? What do you cling to at 3 AM, when you wake from the dream you hope will let go? Tell me what truth tastes like to you. Show me the shape and colour of the foundations of your world... and help me redefine some small portion of mine.

Comments

[voodoolimbo.livejournal.com]

Mine is that of things seen and unseen.

Faith, science, devotion, sensuality.

My reality can be smelled, felt, tasted and yet is as intangible as any concept we know now.

Transient and transcendant...and slightly humorous.

It is only 2:30 here...want me to answer at 3?

[kuangning]

Only if your answer changes at three... hmm. belated Cinderella effect? ;)

[thebahboo.livejournal.com]

There are several things that I cling to.

First there is my Mother and Sister and my brother's kids. Their love keeps me here, when I would let go.

Second is my family of friends. That includes you. People who make my journey thru the world a little less lonely.

Third is Urban Delirium, the woman who is most likely my soul mate. If only I were not gay. She is always there, at 3am, to make me want to feel and to create and just keep being me.

Fourth is my pets. My familiar spirits. Closer to me than any human could ever be.

And finally, my faith in my chosen God, Cernunnos. Also called Herne, the lord of the forest. Even in the dead of winter, when my God sleeps, his presence is with me and carries me. He, and my mother the earth...they have carried and nurtured me when no one else would or could.

I don't know if this is what you were asking for, but this is what came to my mind when I read your question.

Loves, Bahboo

[kuangning]

If it is your answer, from the deepest parts of you, then it is the answer I was asking for. :) You've set up an echo... I may well bounce it back at you when I can hear it more clearly myself. :)

Touchstones

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

There is a plan for my life, even if I don't get to see it all, and a planner who cares about me.
Silmarian loves me.
My parents will always love me, whether or not they understand me.
I am a competent individual, and could support myself.
I am lovable, because even though friends sometimes fade out of range, there are always new ones.
Being a good person is worth the effort.

[ziactrice.livejournal.com]

My bedrock truths, for those early morning fear-moments:

1. I am an engineer, and a good one. I have accomplished this myself; no one else did it for me.
2. I can make it through the rough times, because I have before.
3. I can even fail, utterly, and still pick myself up after a moment stunned in the dirt. I have as much guts as anyone.
4. My strength is quiet, internal, but unshakable, because it is wholly in and of me. No one else can effect it, unless I allow them to do so.
5. I have enough money in the back to survive a month without a paycheck, and will soon have more stocpiled (this is a tremendous comfort in these somewhat strapped days where I fear being laid off).
6. Playing with my dog and my puppy always cheers me up.
7. I can write (I'm told by others) some really strong poetry. Not always good. "Swimming in pain" is what one person said, for one that was. But it is always strong. If you can let yourself feel all the emotion, and can even put it into poetry so others can as well, what more can be asked of any art?
8. Life is a brief existence, no matter if you get 10 years or 100 years. No matter how bad this particular moment is, there will be sunrises, sunsets, meteor showers, long walks along in the woods, visits with friends you might not even know yet, and as likely a success or a failure in anything attempted.
9. If all else fails, get up and bake cinnamon rolls. The smell of dough on your hands, the big, warm, sweet odor through the house, the hot, sticky rolls to eat.
10. Or turn your favorite music on full blast and sing your heart out. (It is good to have my own house where I can do this - couldn't disturb the neighbors in the apartment before).
11. During the day, the smell of fresh, fertile soil, slightly damp, as you garden. There is no activity I've found as soul-satisfying to me as gardening (well, besides loving someone, but that isn't an option right now...)

[shadur.livejournal.com]

That I won't be alone forever.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

If I can take even a single breath, I am alive.

That I have survived worse.

That no matter how I am feeling or what I do, the sun will reliably come up in the morning.

That it's the same moon shining all over the world.

My ability to feel deeply is a sure sign that I am alive. My ability to think is a testament to my intelligence. Yet, despite that...I don't have to solve anything tonight. It's OK to just sit with whatever is happening, because it too shall pass.

These have all helped me during especially dark nights.

[kaolinfire.livejournal.com]

what is an engineer by your definition? I'm always curious when I don't see it preceded by some sort of subclass. :)

[kaolinfire.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much mine to a tee, though a little less on the "I don't have to solve anything tonight".

What else? No regrets. :)

Actually...

[ziactrice.livejournal.com]

We call that our 'discipline'. I'm hold a B.S. in Chemical Engineering, EIT, and I'm working on getting my PE by next year.

Re: Actually...

[kaolinfire.livejournal.com]

what are EIT and PE? :)