I have a mood disorder.
Oct. 26th, 2001 06:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningIt's not something I hide. It's not something I am ashamed of. It's something I live with, something I deal with on a day-to-day basis. Specifically, I am depressive. I have had four Major Depression episodes in the years since my first child was born, and I have been handed a diagnosis of dysthymia, which is chronic low-grade depression. It's not the sudden storm of a Major Depression. Instead, it's a constant drizzle every day for years.
Depression is so common that over 1 in 5 Americans can expect to get some form of depression in their lifetime. Over 1 in 20 Americans have a depressive disorder every year. Women are almost twice as likely as men to experience a depressive episode throughout their lives. Family history and genetics play a part in the greater likelihood of someone becoming depressed in their lifetime. Increased stress and inadequate coping mechanisms to deal with that stress may also contribute to depression. There are biological and psychological components to every depression, it is not a purely biochemical or medical disorder. source
According to the same site:
Dysthymic Disorder
Symptoms
This disorder is characterized by an overwhelming yet chronic state of depression, exhibited by a depressed mood for most of the days, for more days than not, for at least 2 years. (In children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year.) The person who suffers from this disorder must not have gone for more than 2 months without experiencing two or more of the following symptoms:
poor appetite or overeating
insomnia or hypersomnia
low energy or fatigue
low self-esteem
poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
feelings of hopelessness
Now that I've said that, I'm going to also say that, to some extent, I am discovering that dysthymia can be overcome by determining that I am going to cope with something in a positive way, and then following through on that decision. I make the choice to be happy, to sometimes overcompensate on the positive side, because it's better than what happens if I do not.
Earlier today, I made one of those choices. I stayed cheerful through someone declaring in a public forum that I am mentally infirm. I bit back the retorts because of who was involved, and because I could see no good coming out of the situation.
I owe myself an apology, not for staying cheerful, but for not speaking up. Dysthymia in no way constitutes being mentally infirm. During a major episode, yes, I may require hospitalization. In between those episodes, no matter how aggravating you may find my behaviour, my attitudes, or my viewpoints, you need to disagree with those things and either take me or leave me, because that's the person I am. It is a truly puerile and particularly vicious thing in any case, to attack someone unprovoked, by applying that label. It did not belittle me in any way to have something "revealed" that I never made any attempt to hide. It marked my attacker as being contemptuous and small of mind and spirit.
As of right now: if I anger you as a matter of course, feel free to avoid me. If you find me unworthy of your regard, then act accordingly and disregard me. I assure you, I will not pine away for your dropping out of my world. I am going to continue to deal with my life as I feel I need to, and until you live in my skin and deal with my problems, I don't accept your authority to tell me how I should act and feel. As long as I'm causing no-one any harm, no-one has the right to tell me how to live or how to express what I feel. If you choose to subject yourself to my behaviour by staying around, then don't be surprised when I don't conform to the things you expect me to be. I'm like that.
I never promised to do or think or say only what other people find acceptable, and in fact, I say frequently that I'm strange, that I have problems, and that I'm far from perfect. That's just the way it is. Deal with it, or not. But much as you may like to think so, your standards for emotion and thought and behaviour are not the ultimate universal ones. Failure to conform to them, no matter what you might believe, doesn't constitute mental infirmity. I have enough real troubles on my plate that I'm not willing to deal with this level of vindictiveness from someone who's just demonstrated that they're no more than a spiteful child.
Depression is so common that over 1 in 5 Americans can expect to get some form of depression in their lifetime. Over 1 in 20 Americans have a depressive disorder every year. Women are almost twice as likely as men to experience a depressive episode throughout their lives. Family history and genetics play a part in the greater likelihood of someone becoming depressed in their lifetime. Increased stress and inadequate coping mechanisms to deal with that stress may also contribute to depression. There are biological and psychological components to every depression, it is not a purely biochemical or medical disorder. source
According to the same site:
Dysthymic Disorder
Symptoms
This disorder is characterized by an overwhelming yet chronic state of depression, exhibited by a depressed mood for most of the days, for more days than not, for at least 2 years. (In children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year.) The person who suffers from this disorder must not have gone for more than 2 months without experiencing two or more of the following symptoms:
poor appetite or overeating
insomnia or hypersomnia
low energy or fatigue
low self-esteem
poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
feelings of hopelessness
Now that I've said that, I'm going to also say that, to some extent, I am discovering that dysthymia can be overcome by determining that I am going to cope with something in a positive way, and then following through on that decision. I make the choice to be happy, to sometimes overcompensate on the positive side, because it's better than what happens if I do not.
Earlier today, I made one of those choices. I stayed cheerful through someone declaring in a public forum that I am mentally infirm. I bit back the retorts because of who was involved, and because I could see no good coming out of the situation.
I owe myself an apology, not for staying cheerful, but for not speaking up. Dysthymia in no way constitutes being mentally infirm. During a major episode, yes, I may require hospitalization. In between those episodes, no matter how aggravating you may find my behaviour, my attitudes, or my viewpoints, you need to disagree with those things and either take me or leave me, because that's the person I am. It is a truly puerile and particularly vicious thing in any case, to attack someone unprovoked, by applying that label. It did not belittle me in any way to have something "revealed" that I never made any attempt to hide. It marked my attacker as being contemptuous and small of mind and spirit.
As of right now: if I anger you as a matter of course, feel free to avoid me. If you find me unworthy of your regard, then act accordingly and disregard me. I assure you, I will not pine away for your dropping out of my world. I am going to continue to deal with my life as I feel I need to, and until you live in my skin and deal with my problems, I don't accept your authority to tell me how I should act and feel. As long as I'm causing no-one any harm, no-one has the right to tell me how to live or how to express what I feel. If you choose to subject yourself to my behaviour by staying around, then don't be surprised when I don't conform to the things you expect me to be. I'm like that.
I never promised to do or think or say only what other people find acceptable, and in fact, I say frequently that I'm strange, that I have problems, and that I'm far from perfect. That's just the way it is. Deal with it, or not. But much as you may like to think so, your standards for emotion and thought and behaviour are not the ultimate universal ones. Failure to conform to them, no matter what you might believe, doesn't constitute mental infirmity. I have enough real troubles on my plate that I'm not willing to deal with this level of vindictiveness from someone who's just demonstrated that they're no more than a spiteful child.