(no subject)
Nov. 17th, 2003 01:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningHe screams in electric reds.
His secret voice, his unsecret vice, not so much flowing as escaping, and he himself only mechanically notes the drops.
Life deserves more than that.
I used to believe that all it took was caring, attention, listening -- a presence through the glass, over the wires, black on white to trap the reds inside, to keep the pain at bay and the voices stilled. After all, who knew better than I, with my own handprints and fingerprints indelible on ceilings, protein-inked, droplets on carpets they rolled up and took away?
I was wrong. I did not underestimate the need, the boundless urgency -- I overestimated his will to end it. I misjudged the demands, for more time, more reassurance, more attention -- and attentions that should be wooed and not demanded -- and eventually, I overestimated my capacity to give. Selfish, unwilling, self-protective, I let him pull away.
Except I can still hear him scream.
His secret voice, his unsecret vice, not so much flowing as escaping, and he himself only mechanically notes the drops.
Life deserves more than that.
I used to believe that all it took was caring, attention, listening -- a presence through the glass, over the wires, black on white to trap the reds inside, to keep the pain at bay and the voices stilled. After all, who knew better than I, with my own handprints and fingerprints indelible on ceilings, protein-inked, droplets on carpets they rolled up and took away?
I was wrong. I did not underestimate the need, the boundless urgency -- I overestimated his will to end it. I misjudged the demands, for more time, more reassurance, more attention -- and attentions that should be wooed and not demanded -- and eventually, I overestimated my capacity to give. Selfish, unwilling, self-protective, I let him pull away.
Except I can still hear him scream.