(no subject)
Oct. 20th, 2003 02:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningI should be careful what I ask for.
A week ago, I watched Logan's seventh birthday drift by like the fat raindrops on the glass pane. A week before Ari's birthday, with memories of New York strong in my mind, I slipped sideways.
At least, that's how it feels.
I'm incredibly happy. I need to say that first -- it's nothing less than truth, and it's the one fact that stands apart, untouched by the jumble of things I'm doing so badly at sorting through.
His name is David. If you know us both, you know that he's been on my friends list for more than a year.
I've made attempt after attempt to explain what happened and why it happened between us, now, and I've failed each time, so I'm going to skip it, since we know what happened, and that, so far, is enough. But if there is one word for this, it has to be "unexpected." I am not whom he would ordinarily have chosen. Several things about the situation raise echoes of my past for me. I am not sure, and may not be sure, except in hindsight, whether this is an indication of sure failure, or a chance at redemption, or simply coincidences I should disregard. And in all honesty, I suspect my decision on that would affect nothing.
He knows my past -- everything I have shared with you in two years here. I know the thoughts he has shared. We both know the potential for hurt. And we've chosen to trust. Because of that, and because I don't want to hand over any power to those echoes from the past to do secret hurt, this entry is wide open. There's no room in my life for hiding things that matter to me out of fear. And he matters more already than I would have believed possible.
A week ago, I watched Logan's seventh birthday drift by like the fat raindrops on the glass pane. A week before Ari's birthday, with memories of New York strong in my mind, I slipped sideways.
At least, that's how it feels.
I'm incredibly happy. I need to say that first -- it's nothing less than truth, and it's the one fact that stands apart, untouched by the jumble of things I'm doing so badly at sorting through.
His name is David. If you know us both, you know that he's been on my friends list for more than a year.
I've made attempt after attempt to explain what happened and why it happened between us, now, and I've failed each time, so I'm going to skip it, since we know what happened, and that, so far, is enough. But if there is one word for this, it has to be "unexpected." I am not whom he would ordinarily have chosen. Several things about the situation raise echoes of my past for me. I am not sure, and may not be sure, except in hindsight, whether this is an indication of sure failure, or a chance at redemption, or simply coincidences I should disregard. And in all honesty, I suspect my decision on that would affect nothing.
He knows my past -- everything I have shared with you in two years here. I know the thoughts he has shared. We both know the potential for hurt. And we've chosen to trust. Because of that, and because I don't want to hand over any power to those echoes from the past to do secret hurt, this entry is wide open. There's no room in my life for hiding things that matter to me out of fear. And he matters more already than I would have believed possible.
