o/~ she's gonna make it... o/~

It was an impulse, really. I'd had a bar and grill in mind; cheerfully noisy and well-frequented, it was just three blocks away. But the glass and the discreet gold lettering caught my eye, and I pushed the door open before I could change my mind. The candles I'd seen through the glass were the major source of light; the overhead lighting was so dim that I couldn't have read by it. But on each table sat a little aluminum bowl with a candle set among coloured glass beads. It was a setting for couples, from the mosaic-tiled tables to the warm, dusky jazz winding its way through the rooms. I hesitated, but the young woman at the desk didn't. She led me to a table tucked comfortably into a corner, and introduced both herself (Jessica) and Paul, who would be my waiter. "he'll take good care of you," she promised. As it happened, she was right.

Funny how you feel out-of-place, dining alone at a table for two. But, as Paul brought a glass of the recommended Merlot, I started to relax. Outside the window, cars drove by without slowing, and the streets darkened. Something about the streetlights made me wish we were a few streets over, where I could have watched the river flow by. I sat in silence - and after a few solicitous inquiries from Paul, I realised that I was enjoying it. The interruptions, polite as they were, were minor annoyances, a break from the novelty of not needing to entertain, not needing to make conversation or listen to anything but the music and my own thoughts. How long since I'd gone out, by myself, to someplace worth slipping into my heels and my best dress and putting my hair up? Too long, that's how long. By the time my steak arrived, perfectly done, slightly pink in the middle and very tender, I'd forgotten why I was ever uncomfortable, and was wondering how soon it would be before I could have another night like that one.

At some point between the salad and the steak, a cluster of balloons drifted loose from the signpost to which they'd been tethered. Fat and lazy-looking, they floated in slow motion out into the street. I looked away for a moment to respond to an inquiry, and when I looked back, they were gone. Too soon after that, so were my meal and my time, and I sat sipping the first cup of coffee I'd had since leaving New York through the rituals of the cheque and the farewells. I walked out of the solid cocoon of brick and glass, but I took some of the warmth with me, and a significant amount of satisfaction and reassurance. On my own, with nothing more elaborate than a bit of jazz and a decent wine, I managed to be a good deal better than just all right. "We'll expect to see you again," Jessica smiled as I left... and, you know, I think they will. I feel like I stumbled into my own secret space in the middle of the Glass City. I'll be back... and I don't think I'll be taking anyone with me. ;)

Godseed

Lyssa stared, her lips set in a grim line, as she listened. [It is time,] one said, not unkindly. [You have almost completed the life cycle you began. You have learned, and we have forborne, but it is time.] [Would you taste death?] another queried, a tinge of incredulity colouring the mental tone. [It will not be pleasant.]

At that, she laughed aloud, drawing disapproval from the gathering. [Young..] the word ran the circuit of the council in tones that varied only slightly in the degree of impatience and tolerance they conveyed. Unhappily, she noted that they were, if anything, more resolved - but then, so was she. [Child.] The mental voice was firm. [We have allowed much. You have been... interesting. Unique. But you are too entrenched; you have begun to think as a corporeal. It is time.] "And just what," she asked impatiently, "is wrong with thinking as a corporeal?" She knew immediately, despairingly, that that had been the wrong tactic. The minds around her hardened, clamping down on her almost tangibly.

[Enough.] Her heart sank, even as her defiance rose. "Enough, yes," she snapped. "Enough of this debate. I will do this - I am one of you, and none of you would think of restricting any other here in this manner." [None other would require it.] The response was sharp, implacable as the pressure on her mind. [You will comply.] "I will not." The mental pressure became more pronounced, as they abandoned argument entirely in favour of more strenuous persuasion. With bleak honesty, she acknowledged in the deepest corner of her mind that they would likely force her obedience, after all, but obstinacy coupled with the prospect of abandoning Kyle and Ellie to keep her resisting.

One by one, they turned their attention to bringing her into line. They did not intend to harm her, she knew, but she knew, too, that they would not see reshaping her completely as bringing her to harm. To them, bringing her to a state of being that matched their own was the ultimate goal; any other way was flawed. They were the embodiment, she thought bitterly, of justice unleavened by any vestige of softness. Everything she had learned, everything she had become, opposed the change, sent her fleeing into her own mind in search of a way - any way - to escape. When she found it, the enormity of it almost made her scream. She almost faded then, self-preservation warring with the knowledge of what survival would cost, and when she had made the only decision she could make, she stood trembling, not from their suddenly-irrelevant pressure, but from hopelessness and a sense of inevitability.

"Stop." The weary calm of her tone brought a murmur of surprise. The underlying sadness brought an easing of their force; perhaps they thought that she was ready to comply. "You will desist." She spoke aloud, softly, knowing they would hear, not caring that they would disapprove. "You will desist, and you will not attempt this again." [Comply and there will be no need for force.] It was a flat statement, one that brooked no contradiction. She shook her head, bone-weary, inwardly screaming at them for forcing her to do what she knew she would have to do. "I will do as I see fit." She surveyed them sadly, "tasting" each personality, writing them into her memory. The pressure redoubled then, too soon, a silent but eloquent response. Weeping openly now, she spoke aloud one more time; a single, flat command. [Cease.]

When she opened her eyes, she was alone in the void. Crying bitterly, she returned to her familiar home and the safety of her room, where she locked the door and remained for the next two days. After that, Ellie, wild with concern, finally forced her way in. All Lyssa would say was that she was once more alone, and this she repeated again and again. Eleri, of course, did not understand, but she remained with her sister until Kyle arrived to relieve her, sinking to a seat beside Lyssa and taking his wife in his arms. Even together, they did very little to assuage the emptiness which had permanently claimed a corner of Lyssa's heart, but, remembering that it was for them that she had fought, she let them gently bully her into eating and smiling. Gradually, she threw herself back into her routine as a way of forgetting, a way to keep herself from probing at the blank spaces where once those bonds had been.

...have you got people to help you when you crash and burn?

... luckily enough, I do. I say it again.. I'm blessed in my friends. Thanks, all of you, but most especially my twin, my Dougie the Terrible, (as always,) and Ben. Love you lots, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

CRASH AND BURN
- Savage Garden

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone.