picking up the thread...
Feb. 11th, 2002 02:41 pmbecause it isn't right to leave it the way it stands now. Thank you, all of you who listened and understood as much as you could possibly understand and more than I expected you to understand. Thank you for your thoughts and your kind words and your sympathy and your concern and for proving to me again that you're amazing people. I appreciate you. But understand, please... I'm not hurt. I don't hurt. That's not what that was about. And it wasn't about saying, "look what's happened to me." It was, first and foremost, for myself. And perhaps I should've found another way, but I don't see how, still. It wasn't complete because there's more than me at stake in that story. Not that I don't trust you with those thoughts, but that putting them here infringes on him.
So let me tell you what it was about. It was about reminding myself of just where I've been and why I've made the choices I've made. It was about looking at what's going on for me and around me now, and deciding whether, knowing what I know and feeling what I feel, I can live with it. (And I can.) It was about letting go of a series of mistakes that I made again and again, not the relationship but in handling the relationship... because I needed the reminder of the lesson to pull myself out of another mistake. It was about shaking off the black and white thinking I sometimes fall into, as well, and driving the lesson home to myself that there really aren't any monsters in the story. Not him, and not me. Just people who did the best they knew how. We didn't get it all right, but we didn't do it all wrong, either. And it was about airing out something that could have become much bigger in my mind than it really was or should ever be, and seeing the threadbare places in the ghost's sheet, so to speak.
I don't know what you all saw in those tiny stories; you didn't have, like I do, memories of faces and intonations and gestures. And I wonder, I'm truly curious, to know what images you produced out of yourselves, to fill those gaps. If you'd like, please tell me... I enjoy learning what makes you tick, how your minds work. But right now, let me tell you what I saw in those words, what I was looking for. I was searching for the moments when I knew it was going wrong and ignored every warning my mind could hand me. I was looking for the spots where I let old fears and old ghosts hold me back and tie me down and I could have had so much more, if I'd had the guts to reach for it and live in the moment I'd been handed instead of the ones I'd already let slip by. Yeah, I was also looking for proof that I wasn't as horrible as some people would like me to believe... I was looking for reasons to smile at the neurotic doormat I can be sometimes.
Truthfully, now, didn't anyone else read it and cringe? "Geez, what a pathetic ditz. So what if that's what he wants? At least tell him what you want, and if you don't get it, well, at least you tried." The sad part was, that wasn't by a long shot the only time I acted like that. You get exactly what you're looking for, and I've gotten a string of strong personalities who happily accepted compliance without question... he was the best of the lot. (At least I can honestly say that I've learned. Each one's been a far cry better than the last.) I've gotten a great many relationships to lose myself in until I couldn't shut my eyes any more, and when I came round, I knew there wasn't anything there to fight for. Notice I said the relationships, not the men. I look back over that relationship, and what I see is that I was so afraid to be alone that I was willing to accept anything to be part of a couple. Not part of a happy couple, maybe, but to be able to say that I belonged to someone.
I was so afraid to do or say anything that he'd see as a restriction that I put my own wants and needs a very distant second. I got called stupid, I got shuffled off like a troublesome pet, and never once said that it hurt my feelings. I let myself be treated like a slightly stupid child in every way except one, and used that one to tell myself the rest was okay. Not something I want to remember most days, but something it's occasionally necessary to drag out to keep myself from being that way again. Because it isn't simply a matter of "he was a jerk," it was a matter of that's part of human nature, to take advantage of someone who's willing to be taken advantage of. I want to go do this, and you raise no objection, say nothing to make it plain that my doing this would be hurtful... so, even if in the back of my mind I know it'll be hurtful, I tell myself it's okay with you and it makes me happy... so there's no reason for me to feel guilty. I let that go on so long that when I did start to speak up, my feelings no longer mattered to anyone but me. Fair enough. What you do then is what you have to do... either shut up again, or move on. And here I am.
I'm not that person anymore. This morning, I had a weigh-in, part of St Paul's regular check-ups. Debbie's eyes widened when she saw my weight... 197, if it interests you. I'm ~5'9. She said, "I never would've guessed. We can put you on a diet if you like." And I thought about it for a minute, and then decided not. I may step up the exercise a little, and I haven't had as much fruit as I should lately, but that's as much attention as I'm willing to pay to it. Except for the touch of flu I'm shaking off, I feel good. No backaches, no headaches, my blood pressure is normal. And I'm comfy with how I look. I dress nicely enough that people stop me and compliment me. I'll never be one of those women who thinks spending $150 at a hairdresser is anything but crazy, but my hair is nicely done; it's healthy, shiny, and clean, and I comb through it with a fine-toothed comb and then brush it thoroughly every night. My stretch marks haven't gone away and never will, but I don't mind undressing with the lights on anymore. Now, like never before, I know that I'm attractive. That's all I need.
Well, not all. But then, I have the rest. I'm an affectionate person. I have all the love anyone could ask for in my life. I have goals, I have dreams, I have more happiness than I've ever had, I have a future worth waking up for every morning. Perfect? Hell, no. But enough that I know that I can have whatever I can reach for, whatever I'm willing to work for and hold on to. Enough that I know that anyone who says that I don't deserve to have happiness, love, fulfilment, is working through their own issues that don't have to have anything to do with me. Enough that I know I shouldn't settle for less than I'm willing to give. In the end, that's what I was most trying to show myself, because sometimes I falter, sometimes I do retreat. But, hell, so do we all. Look where I've been, see where I am now... and you know like I know that ten years from now, there isn't any telling where I'll be. Except that since, far as I might have come, I know there's more to life than this... so wherever I'll be, I'll be closer to that. I've come too far to lie down and give up now.
So let me tell you what it was about. It was about reminding myself of just where I've been and why I've made the choices I've made. It was about looking at what's going on for me and around me now, and deciding whether, knowing what I know and feeling what I feel, I can live with it. (And I can.) It was about letting go of a series of mistakes that I made again and again, not the relationship but in handling the relationship... because I needed the reminder of the lesson to pull myself out of another mistake. It was about shaking off the black and white thinking I sometimes fall into, as well, and driving the lesson home to myself that there really aren't any monsters in the story. Not him, and not me. Just people who did the best they knew how. We didn't get it all right, but we didn't do it all wrong, either. And it was about airing out something that could have become much bigger in my mind than it really was or should ever be, and seeing the threadbare places in the ghost's sheet, so to speak.
I don't know what you all saw in those tiny stories; you didn't have, like I do, memories of faces and intonations and gestures. And I wonder, I'm truly curious, to know what images you produced out of yourselves, to fill those gaps. If you'd like, please tell me... I enjoy learning what makes you tick, how your minds work. But right now, let me tell you what I saw in those words, what I was looking for. I was searching for the moments when I knew it was going wrong and ignored every warning my mind could hand me. I was looking for the spots where I let old fears and old ghosts hold me back and tie me down and I could have had so much more, if I'd had the guts to reach for it and live in the moment I'd been handed instead of the ones I'd already let slip by. Yeah, I was also looking for proof that I wasn't as horrible as some people would like me to believe... I was looking for reasons to smile at the neurotic doormat I can be sometimes.
Truthfully, now, didn't anyone else read it and cringe? "Geez, what a pathetic ditz. So what if that's what he wants? At least tell him what you want, and if you don't get it, well, at least you tried." The sad part was, that wasn't by a long shot the only time I acted like that. You get exactly what you're looking for, and I've gotten a string of strong personalities who happily accepted compliance without question... he was the best of the lot. (At least I can honestly say that I've learned. Each one's been a far cry better than the last.) I've gotten a great many relationships to lose myself in until I couldn't shut my eyes any more, and when I came round, I knew there wasn't anything there to fight for. Notice I said the relationships, not the men. I look back over that relationship, and what I see is that I was so afraid to be alone that I was willing to accept anything to be part of a couple. Not part of a happy couple, maybe, but to be able to say that I belonged to someone.
I was so afraid to do or say anything that he'd see as a restriction that I put my own wants and needs a very distant second. I got called stupid, I got shuffled off like a troublesome pet, and never once said that it hurt my feelings. I let myself be treated like a slightly stupid child in every way except one, and used that one to tell myself the rest was okay. Not something I want to remember most days, but something it's occasionally necessary to drag out to keep myself from being that way again. Because it isn't simply a matter of "he was a jerk," it was a matter of that's part of human nature, to take advantage of someone who's willing to be taken advantage of. I want to go do this, and you raise no objection, say nothing to make it plain that my doing this would be hurtful... so, even if in the back of my mind I know it'll be hurtful, I tell myself it's okay with you and it makes me happy... so there's no reason for me to feel guilty. I let that go on so long that when I did start to speak up, my feelings no longer mattered to anyone but me. Fair enough. What you do then is what you have to do... either shut up again, or move on. And here I am.
I'm not that person anymore. This morning, I had a weigh-in, part of St Paul's regular check-ups. Debbie's eyes widened when she saw my weight... 197, if it interests you. I'm ~5'9. She said, "I never would've guessed. We can put you on a diet if you like." And I thought about it for a minute, and then decided not. I may step up the exercise a little, and I haven't had as much fruit as I should lately, but that's as much attention as I'm willing to pay to it. Except for the touch of flu I'm shaking off, I feel good. No backaches, no headaches, my blood pressure is normal. And I'm comfy with how I look. I dress nicely enough that people stop me and compliment me. I'll never be one of those women who thinks spending $150 at a hairdresser is anything but crazy, but my hair is nicely done; it's healthy, shiny, and clean, and I comb through it with a fine-toothed comb and then brush it thoroughly every night. My stretch marks haven't gone away and never will, but I don't mind undressing with the lights on anymore. Now, like never before, I know that I'm attractive. That's all I need.
Well, not all. But then, I have the rest. I'm an affectionate person. I have all the love anyone could ask for in my life. I have goals, I have dreams, I have more happiness than I've ever had, I have a future worth waking up for every morning. Perfect? Hell, no. But enough that I know that I can have whatever I can reach for, whatever I'm willing to work for and hold on to. Enough that I know that anyone who says that I don't deserve to have happiness, love, fulfilment, is working through their own issues that don't have to have anything to do with me. Enough that I know I shouldn't settle for less than I'm willing to give. In the end, that's what I was most trying to show myself, because sometimes I falter, sometimes I do retreat. But, hell, so do we all. Look where I've been, see where I am now... and you know like I know that ten years from now, there isn't any telling where I'll be. Except that since, far as I might have come, I know there's more to life than this... so wherever I'll be, I'll be closer to that. I've come too far to lie down and give up now.
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