Let me tell you...

.. about the people in my life. My core group, the ones who keep me walking on this side of the line.

laura said,

My mom was telling me about something when I was visiting her in August...

She grew up sharing a house with her cousin Mike, along with his sister and her own 3 sisters...but she and Mike were the closest...and they all lived with their grandmother on this farm. I think she and Mike were like 11 months apart...anyways. Mom was afraid to go to the outhouse at night because she was afraid of the chickens, so Mike would get up and walk her out there...I think Mike protected her. And when Mike found out how sick my dad is, he said to my mom..."Remember when we were little and we'd go wading in the creek, we'd hold on to each other so if one of us fell, the other could pull us back up? I'll be here for you if you need someone to hold on to and you're afraid you're going to fall down." Okay, dammit, that makes me tear up just thinking about it again...

I wish I knew you well enough to be able to reassure you I'd help hold you up, and I don't...but I hope so badly that you've got that kind of support. We all need it.


I have it.

What do you say about the person who cares about you more than anyone else in the world? Who's worried himself sick over you, has shed tears for you and given 100% every time you asked for it... who's made you afraid to ask for it, because you know he'll give it even when he needs it more than you do? What do you say about the person who doesn't need to be asked, because it seems he knows you from the inside-out... and cares about you anyway?

And what do you do with someone like that, except give back as much as you can, and hold him very, very dear? primis has been there for me through everything.

What do you say about your own self-styled "fountain of affection" and "instrument of joy"? Someone who loves you fiercely, who isn't shy about telling you when you're wrong, but is firmly in your corner every step of the way? fearghaill is my staunchest ally, and my strongest and sometimes only defender. When I was aching over not knowing how to defend myself, not wanting to hurt someone who'd almost certainly stand squarely in the crossfire and whose need for impartiality I completely understand, it was Doug who was the only person to speak up for me. He's the one who brightens my mornings, who isn't satisfied unless I'm happy, who refocuses me on making sure my own happiness is somewhere on the agenda. It's interesting, to me, to look back over my LJ entries, see how many times I've made a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn for the brighter, and how many times Doug was almost single-handedly responsible for it.

There's a lot to be said for the calm, quiet voices of reason. The people who weather my storms and stand strong anyway, the ones I pour out my worst self to, more often than I should, because they're not going to let my depression or my rage or anything else get to them. Because they can listen impassively, offer advice and criticism when I need it, and leave it behind when the conversation's over. The ones who know when to correct me, and when all I'm really wanting is a hug and a shoulder, and time to look at something from a different perspective... outside of me, instead of inside, where it hurts. I'd be lucky to have one friend like that. I'm blessed in charles and anirion.

I've never had many close female friends. I don't know what that says about me.. the ones I have had, have generally fallen into mother figures, sisters, like katster, or ones I love like daughters, like yushion. ladydaisy (now boodie,) has broken that for me. She's transcended all of those categories, and is, quite simply, my friend. Whom I can talk to, giggle with, who'll join me in roughousing or most anything else, and who, despite the relatively short time I've known her, is someone I hold as dear to me as anyone.

And then there's zorbathut. Completely astonishing, and more wonderful because of it. Who, through the worst of last night's crash, simply stated, "I'm here." And meant it. I've gushed a lot about him this last week or so, and nothing I could say would be at all out of what you'd expect for someone I do love, so let me just say again that he's an incredible man, and I'm very, very glad to be able to include him in the list of my dearest friends.

There are more names than this, of course, and jrenken, laura herself, gurath, tequilasunset, galith, pounce, and pjammer, among others, deserve lots and lots of credit for their roles in my life lately. I don't say thank you enough. But you all know, or I hope you know, that I value you highly. And if you didn't, then let me say it now, because you're all very dear to me.

It's inevitable. Whenever I start to thank people, I will forget someone. zibblsnrt has, as I've said so often before, been a cornerstone of my life for quite some time. I love him dearly, and hope he'll forgive me for overlooking him. He also keeps me straight, with his sense of humour and, more, his sense of fair play. If I've forgotten you, if I've overlooked someone else who should be on this list.. be assured that it isn't intentional. It is an oversight, and has nothing to do with how much you matter to me.