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Oct. 22nd, 2002 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kuangningHrm.
Global thinking in interpersonal relationships really seems to come across as a curse?
In an exchange elsewhere, a friend said, "I need people to ground me, even if it's just my close friends." And, thinking about it... I don't have anyone truly essential to my life. I don't have any connections I can't sever, and I don't have anyone I can't walk away from. I have people I keep coming back to, because I want the connection and I like it, but even they have had me shut things down and disappear. I'm quite capable of it.
I'm not capable of not looking back. I'm not capable of not regretting, not caring, not missing them. But once the decision's been made, I can abide by it unless and until something gives me a solid reason to change my decision.
Part of that is my family. I was making contingency plans for being on my own or on my own with my sibs long before I was out of school uniforms and pigtails. But part of it is also this belief that I have that we're all connected. I don't mind being alone, because more often than not, I don't feel alone. Too many people in the world, and I have too much in common with all of them. When I get fascinated with or come to care for any one person, it's genuine enough -- I do value them, they do matter, and I'll share whatever I can with them. But if the time comes to move on, well, I've never yet met anyone I could not do without, who was so essential to my being. Add to that the fact that independence and separateness is something that's so very important to me, and sometimes I break away just to maintain that. Even if I don't physically walk away, I am quite capable of and far more likely to emotionally shut down, temporarily -- or sometimes as long as it takes to make the break permanent. Every time I've been tempted to change that, I manage to attract or engineer just the sort of situation that changes my mind.
LJ is probably the best and worst medium for me, at the same time. It makes it easy to love the many, admire you en masse, and share with each of you without really being intimate with any of you. I can sit, read, laugh, smile, respond ... and when I need to, close the window. Ironically enough, that's probably why I won't ever leave LJ altogether. So -- is it a handicap? A lack of something essential? An overdevelopment of something equally essential? Damned if I know. In between wishing for something to change it, I'm busy cementing it in place. It'll be interesting, if nothing else, to see if anyone's ever going to be able to convince me to set it aside.
Global thinking in interpersonal relationships really seems to come across as a curse?
In an exchange elsewhere, a friend said, "I need people to ground me, even if it's just my close friends." And, thinking about it... I don't have anyone truly essential to my life. I don't have any connections I can't sever, and I don't have anyone I can't walk away from. I have people I keep coming back to, because I want the connection and I like it, but even they have had me shut things down and disappear. I'm quite capable of it.
I'm not capable of not looking back. I'm not capable of not regretting, not caring, not missing them. But once the decision's been made, I can abide by it unless and until something gives me a solid reason to change my decision.
Part of that is my family. I was making contingency plans for being on my own or on my own with my sibs long before I was out of school uniforms and pigtails. But part of it is also this belief that I have that we're all connected. I don't mind being alone, because more often than not, I don't feel alone. Too many people in the world, and I have too much in common with all of them. When I get fascinated with or come to care for any one person, it's genuine enough -- I do value them, they do matter, and I'll share whatever I can with them. But if the time comes to move on, well, I've never yet met anyone I could not do without, who was so essential to my being. Add to that the fact that independence and separateness is something that's so very important to me, and sometimes I break away just to maintain that. Even if I don't physically walk away, I am quite capable of and far more likely to emotionally shut down, temporarily -- or sometimes as long as it takes to make the break permanent. Every time I've been tempted to change that, I manage to attract or engineer just the sort of situation that changes my mind.
LJ is probably the best and worst medium for me, at the same time. It makes it easy to love the many, admire you en masse, and share with each of you without really being intimate with any of you. I can sit, read, laugh, smile, respond ... and when I need to, close the window. Ironically enough, that's probably why I won't ever leave LJ altogether. So -- is it a handicap? A lack of something essential? An overdevelopment of something equally essential? Damned if I know. In between wishing for something to change it, I'm busy cementing it in place. It'll be interesting, if nothing else, to see if anyone's ever going to be able to convince me to set it aside.
