bleah.

[kuangning]

Tired, sad, resigned, angry, resentful... not pleasant emotional space to live in, this last few months. I've had my reasons -- and I'm a little bit proud of myself for putting them here, as they happened and not sitting on them until afterward. I looked back over my old journal, before I cleaned it out, and was surprised at how little of what went wrong was written down. I left... spaces. Days without entries where I vaguely remembered what must have been happening at that time, but I didn't write anything about it. That happens here, too, but not as often. Mostly because of LJ's filters, I think -- because I still feel guilty for dumping as much negative stuff here as I do. You people have enough to deal with in your own lives. Besides, I like being the eccentric fairy who pours out joy. You can't possibly imagine how much of my resentment stems from just that -- I want to be that person, want to hold onto that mood. And while I know in my mind that I and only I control my moods, well, some days it's harder than others. And the fact that it's being made harder than it has to be makes me angry at the person or thing that I see as making it harder.

But that anger doesn't help, either.

I think -- I'm waiting for someone to give me a compelling reason to leave. Something that doesn't feel like running away, something that doesn't feel like being selfish. Running to someone is being selfish -- even if they don't mind. Running away never helps. I want reasons to go, permission to go, promise of a future for me once I get there. But who ever gets that? And if I don't get them, then what? Stay here? It's unthinkable. Or is it? Why not change the world I'm already in? No illusory fresh starts, no clean slates -- just take what I've got and deal with it. Slog my way through -- because nothing here will change if I leave, right? And this is always going to be the nightmare place I can't really get away from.

We shall see.

Comments

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Dump all the negative stuff you want. Sharing makes the load lighter. This is, after all, your space to do with as you will. Besides, when I'm feeling a bit low myself and I see others in the same boat, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I'd like to put on a happy face for everyone myself, but it wouldn't be real. So folks get the bad with the good.

Re:

[kuangning]

*smile.* thanks. sometimes it feels like the grumbling far outweighs the good, though. and then I get to self-administer one swift kick or maybe three. ;)

[powerpynt.livejournal.com]

I don't know you. Telling you you're not alone will hardly solve anything. There's little else I can say beyond that. But
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=powerpynt&itemid=49374#cutid1

might make you smile, and a moments rest is a lifetime when you're sad.

Here's wishing you a lifetime.

[kaolinfire.livejournal.com]

what do you want to do with your life? I'm sure that whatever it is, somewhere else is probably better for it than where you are... I find goals to be wonderful motivators and/or excuses. :) [when I can believe in the goal and the means...]

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

Don't ever censor yourself on my account. I think you're a very cool person. Amd awfully hip to yourself and to the world as well.

[thebahboo.livejournal.com]

but i wan u to get away. if u can then mebbe i can.
i gess that selfish tho.

i love u.

kolya

Re:

[kuangning]

*wrysmile.* That cuts both ways, though. If I can get away, then sure, maybe you can. But if I can stay and survive and make here not a toxic place to be, then couldn't you maybe do that, too?

Today someone gave me a quote I think you'd like as much as I did.

Because your own strength is unequal to the task, do not assume that it is beyond the powers of man; but if anything is within the powers and province of man, believe that it is within your own compass also.

-- Marcus Aurelius

Don't base your estimate of what you can do on what I do or what I can do. If it can be done at all, you may be able to do it. And if you can't do it by yourself right now, that's all right. That doesn't mean it can't be done at all. You may be strong enough to do it on another day.

*hugs.* love and light to you.
Cairsten.

[kuangning]

Thank you. *hugs.*

[kuangning]

This deserves a longer and more thoughtful response than I'm up to giving right now. But I am going to come back to it in a post soon -- it's a good question. Thank you.